14 December 2015

2015 recap.

I have done a 2014 recap before. To remember back the memories I had and most importantly to remind myself of the lessons I've learned throughout a whole year, a whole age. So, I'm doing the same thing right now.

2015 had been the most tiring year that I've lived so far. It's full of people, full of dramas, love, hate, friendship, temporary love, the good and the bad. All of it which I am grateful for. But the ending mark of the year won't end anything that went bad, went broken because some things can be fixed and the ones that can't will just stay as a lesson, a memory, a life lived and a mistake made.

Your first love can be bullshit but it did take five years to finally get over it for real.
If you read or watch Nicholas Sparks's movie, you'd understand how much he believes and makes us believe in our first love. Yes, it's the most beautiful thing, that's when you finally know what it means to grow up, to learn to start sharing everything about yourself with one person, starting to fall for the first time, getting your heart broken for the first time. When it ends, you hope to God that it will go back to the way it used to be, you hope to God your life ends in a beautiful fairy tale ending and true love's kiss and the man you first fell for will still be the one to sweep you off your feet but hell, now it feels nothing like that. Your first love can come back, cheat on his fiance, pretending to be your friend, pretending to be that one guy that you can count on, making you believe that the love was still alive while you try to pretend that you don't realise that it was cold and dead a long time ago. He can also text you back months later when you have completely forgot about him and finally get over him pretending to ask for nasal spray and ask you to dinner. But most importantly, you need to learn to plant it in your head that your first love is just another cliche jerky guy that loves to take advantage on you and still cheat on his fiance that he soo badly wants to marry and he wants nothing to do with you because he just needs you to fill up his time alone without his fiance who's currently studying a hundred miles away.

The people you don't expect are the ones who appreciate you most.
I never saw myself being significant to people. I have more of a Touch 'N Go vibe that surrounds me. I help people, with no intention of sucking up to people or trying to get attention. I do it because I believe I was born under the sign that would give all to people even if they don't receive any. That doesn't make me a better person than anyone else but it certainly makes me happy making other people around me happy. And sometimes I do get a little pissy when I've done so much for people and yet they still treat me like shit. But sometimes they have other things going on to. Maybe some people are just pure evil but some of those actually care, they just don't know how to show it. This year, my treasured item was a red letter; left on my desk that I left for a long time, not wanting to step into a place where I don't feel like I belong. For such a long time, I finally have someone that tells me that I am more than what I think of myself. I was never sisterly with her, yet she's one of my best peers of all time. A down to earth cool girl who has such great taste in music and a body I'd die for. Her words lifted me and I keep them dearly with me. Because she was the one who calmed me down when I lose control, and keeps me grounded and sane even if it was just for a little while. Not to forget how enjoyable and successful it was working aside her as graphic designers.

The people you had the best times with may not be with you as long as you think they would.
They are the ones you showed your darker side more often, the ones you tell your secret to. The ones who know the other side of you like no one else does. They know how far you've gone, they help you reach farther, and make you realise that sometimes you have no limits with yourself. They might be the one everyone frowns upon but secretly they have so much more in them and they give you spiritual advices more than other people. They might be the one who takes you out so much that you meet new people and experience new things. They are the ride or die type of people. But they are also the people who have they're life on the line, who depended on drugs and painkillers and had laid in the hospital countless times, more that you ever would in your entire life. Secrets can keep you close and build your friendship, but they are also what tears you apart the most. But no matter how much you try to hide it, you still catch yourself smiling sometimes because you know you've been on cloud nine before and these were the people who took you there and had the craziest midnight adventures with you. These were the good girls gone bad and the bad boy that brought out the rebel in you.

You can reach your absolute limit sometimes.
I'm becoming more selfish nowadays. I yell at people who don't understand the pressure they put me through. I'm hiding in a dollhouse but nobody's family is perfect. But this is mine and sometimes I catch my 20 year old mind reaching it's limit that I learn to manipulate these people. I learn to control them and I learned how disrespectful I can be towards them. It is not a good thing, I am not proud of it but this does not end here. To be honest, the many hours I spend at work at the last quarter of the year soothes me. It might be boring and dull and sometimes I get too sleepy to work but at least I have somewhere else to run to for a while, and I make money out of it too. But I'm tired of living like this. Although it won't conclude and be solved in the closest of times, I still mention this here because I realise how much I've changed and how even my family affected me this year. They are still family and they are with me more than anyone else had been.

Siblings don't necessarily have the same blood as you do.
More like twins, six pairs of twins. Twelve different minds and twelve different personalities. I have lost count of the many times I have told other people stories about my diploma siblings because they are probably one of the best things that I have in my life. Our diploma may have ended but I really hope the friendship would be the ones where our children would meet one day and we'd tell them about the amazing moments we had during our diploma lives and hope they'd experience the same thing too.

Childhood friends can turn into childhood nightmares.
I'm still waiting on how this one would end up. I'm still waiting to see if our friendship ends here. I'm still waiting to know what you think of me and how far have you thought of me. You came drastically and left the same way. You kept me on the line and you made me believe that Love, Rosie can happen in real life. I won't lie that you hurt me bad. I wake up hating, cursing, crying, almost everyday. I have an ache in my heart. Almost like I felt when I first fell out of love. Because truthfully, I had really fallen in love with you. But the story of Love, Rosie also didn't conclude until Rosie and Alex were old, and each of them had been wedded too. Us? We're so young and we have a whole lifetime ahead of us. So, I'm still waiting for Alex Stewart to realise what a stupid asshole he had been, and to check and see if Rosie Dunne would forgive him for what he did to her.

I'll end this post with my version of Electra Heart.

08 December 2015

Cotton Candy.

I made a new art piece, which was pretty much delayed since forever. I had trouble completing the eyes, mostly because I couldn't find a more suitable expression to describe Cotton Candy. Yes, her name is Cotton Candy. Her hair is somewhat silver and pink, she blushes a lot and she doesn't speak much.

I made Cotton Candy expressionless so that people can imagine themselves about how she feels. She can be neutral, she can be just fine, she could be happy inside, or she could be broken. Cotton Candy has a lot of emotions but she is as fragile as her name is. People can break her or eat her up easily because Cotton Candy is used to giving her all to other people. She trusts easily, falls easily but she chooses who she falls into very wisely. But once she does and when people break her heart she melts like cotton candy. They swallow her full and becomes satisfied when she's gone. What they don't know is Cotton Candy is the sweetest one around. And sweet things kill slowly from the inside. It takes time, sure but it's possible if you mess around with Cotton Candy too much.


03 December 2015

Rosie Dunne did not end up with Alex Stewart.

Assalamualaikum ~

I know the title of this post is long.

I've posted something about Love, Rosie a few months back and it was about me and how a boy had claimed that I was the Rosie to his Alex. We'd been friends literally since we were babies. He was five days younger than me and I lived so close to him. We used to go to the same school, to the same tempat mengaji, bullied each other and I dumped his slipper in the gigantic drain we used to play at when we were about five years old. I practically grew up with him and he definitely was the boy next door.

love rosie, film review, movie review, lily collins, sam claflin, cinema, movie, film

I knew him as long as I can remember and I still blush at the sight of him and my heart pounds to hear his name. That's the truth. Even when I was in a relationship with someone else, he was there, just there, you know, when my relationship went horrible he just stood there watching. And my ex kept shoving this boy's name in my head saying how much he liked me since primary school. I knew he liked me. I knew he liked me for a very long time and for the longest time, I had a spot for him saved in my heart. Deep down, very deep down.

I wasn't the type to go out much with friends of hang around boys, I barely leave my room let alone my house. So four to five years back, we got separated because we went to different schools. I don't text people first, I suck at keeping in touch but I remember how he always texts first; asking me if I was doing good, how's school, how's life, have you broken up with the one who broke your heart. Occasionally, when we're on break, he'd ask me out for movies and food, and we once clashed wearing the same colour shirt, and upon seeing him wearing grey too, I blushed, hard.

I remember changing from Maxis to Digi because Digi has Buddiez Plan where back in the days, you could have three friends to text and call without charges and he was actually the ONLY friend on my Buddiez account. I remember talking to him on the phone once from night til morn, and we end up betting whoever wakes up first on the dot at 5.00 a.m to be treated lunch someday. I woke up first, but my signal was bad so his call came through first. I claimed the first one to wake up and he gave in, it was his treat. KFC, not a big deal since we were high school students and the KFC was like a kilometre from home. But we got busted by a teacher and she thought we were dating.

Years passed and I could never get over that five years of heartbreak I went through, the nights crying under the covers, the days wandering inside my head of what could have been's and what if's. The rip of the heart when those people keep coming back to me and not letting me be happy alone. Five years of heartbreak. Until my 20th birthday this year.

I remember him asking if I was still beat up over the heartbreak and I admitted to it as much as I hate it. I remember his exact words; "hey, let me save you."

It lasted four days. Four. He decided it was not what he wanted. I was angry, but to the point where I laugh hysterically because really dude? What the hell were you looking for?

I left it behind. Went through several crushes, messed up with one, and on the 30th of August, when I tweeted about a minor heartbreak about an ex-best friend, I got a reply/mention saying "still  you", with a purple heart. I thought he mistakenly mentioned me so I tweeted (without mentioning) to ask him to mention me again if it wasn't a mistake. He did. I gave in.

I have such a soft spot for him.

We met, had a few dates, and two weeks later he flew to the other side of the country again.

It was nice, promising, I was happy, I was waiting, I was hopeful. We're in our 20's and both Aquarians, future is a big thing for us, and the future is what we always aim for, so to me, marriage was something big and serious to talk about. It wasn't me to be the first one to say the word "sayang". It wasn't me who first said "...nanti bila dah kawin..." and all that jazz. Not that I don't want to, I know better than to overwhelm a boy with marriage discussion and cute names so soon. But he did and I went along with it.

I wouldn't call myself an annoying girlfiend. Maybe an aloof one. I never text first or call first. We rarely text and he'd be calling at night, after games, during games, after assignment or I'd help with the assignment. We'd be on call every night. We'd listen to each other sleeping. He liked my voice and I loved his. He sings all the time, horribly, but I let him, because I sing too. And when I started Skyping with friends, he made a Skype account and Skyped me. He's the one who ask, not me. I never ask. I always assume that he's busier than me. I told him months before "I never text first, I don't like to annoy people, so if you miss me, or want to talk to me, just text me, I'll always make time for you." Even if I wanted to call, I'd ask for permission. I wasn't aloof, I was understanding.

I thought I was safe enough to hit three months and I had hope that things were meant to last but two and a half months later I waited for more than a week to end up with a text saying "I need space." I always gave him space, I never nagged or admit that I needed him. A few days after, "I'm thinking whether or not the relationship is good for me."

"I get bored easily."

"I don't know how to keep relationships."

"You were my rebound."

"I wanted to get over someone I really love,"

It hurts. More than he knows. And every night he comes in my dreams, crushing me again and again. I warned him of how easily attached I can be, how I trust so fast and fall so vast. It doesn't matter, I don't matter.

Little does he know he was my rebound too. But I didn't treat him like one. I convinced myself that he isn't one and I really fell for him. It wasn't fair what he did to me. And not to mention it was the second time around too, you know, getting dumped by him.

So, he's not exactly the sweet, forever-in-love with Rosie the Alex Stewart I thought he was. I still can't believe in all of the people in the world that he could have messed things up with, he chose the girl who he kinda grew up with.

The sad part is, I still hope he'd changed. Because I'm a dreamer, a hopeless romantic. And I still dream that one day Alex Stewart would come back apologizing to Rosie Dunne for breaking her heart.

02 November 2015

I hate what you did to me.

Assalamualaikum ~

I used to build a sanctuary for myself. Nobody was in it. I was alone but I was happy. I was happy where I was in my head.n I had a tree as a friend ad that was enough for me. Talking to that tree made me happy. Because it listened. It didn't judge. It couldn't say a thing but it was okay. I didn't need response, I didn't need approval. I just needed a listener.

I was a depressed kid. For five years, I lived in sadness. True, it was just because I fell too hard on my knees in love, but it's no reason to compare my stage and level and reason of depression to others. "People have it worse than you. Be grateful. Some other people lost their loved ones or are dealing with cancer so you should feel grateful." Thanks. Thanks for that unnecessary, judgmental feedback.

I can just get out of bed when I want to, right?  My fatigue didn't matter. I could stop myself from crying on the bathroom floor, right? Because I wasn't dealing with cancer. Because I hadn't lost a loved one. Right? I could stop sleeping because I needed to get out more and see more people? Right?

I won't deny that being a good Muslim will fix you in time. God is there for us. Even the weakest and the worst sinners. But unless you have better things to say to a person dealing with themselves then you should keep your judgmental opinion to yourself. Period.

18 September 2015

Love, Rosie

Assalamualaikum ~

I had always been a sucker for romance, for fairy tale endings but nonetheless, I still believe in reality. I used to think that childhood friendship can lead to the best type of relationship. I still do. Being an Aquarius, being able to befriend someone before I decide to jump into a deeper relationship with them means everything to me. I hate it when people come out of nowhere, asking me to be their significant other when they know nothing about me except my name. I believe in friendship, and I believe in best friends who can fall in love.

I'm getting a second chance at this, and I'll do it right this time. With a boy I have probably known since I wasn't even born. A boy whose age is just five days younger than me. A boy born on Valentine's Day. An idiot, the first time and a whole load of cheeseballs the second time around.

I hope you stay, I hope you are real.

12 August 2015

Repost #2

Diets, holidays and work.
03 May 2015
Assalamualaikum ~

I guess I got a wee bit too bored today that I've decided to update my dying blog.

Blogs have become irrelevant nowadays that people have Twitter and Instagram. Well, for me I guess but I keep checking my phone every five minutes and somehow I got very bored of it.

I'm currently at Darling's house waiting for her to come back from work. Apparently, my dad had to attend a wedding and Aimie kinda kidnapped me for two night, three now including this one, but yeah, I am at her house, staying in her room.

Update -- update :D

I went out to Seksyen 13 to have dinner with my dad, my sister and Darling. And we lepak-ed at Ranggo after. I definitely love being here at Aimie's, with Aimie.

So, I'm supposed to be on a diet and on a constant workout but since Darling is working at Cake JalanTiung, it just makes the routine a bit hard because well, I am a sweet tooth. I love cakes, I fancy cakes, cakes are life, cakes are bae, basically anything sweet just catches my attention. I have lazy workout routines, at least until my body is sore enough and I start sweating like a pig, but then the sores only last for a night so I guess I'm not working out hard enough. It's okay though, at least I know that I work out constantly and if I keep it up, I might see quite some changes before I start the new semester.

Speaking of, I'm am currently working (sort of) at my school's faculty to design the promotional items for a Mother's Day programme. But right now, I'm just doing my work from home because my lecturer hasn't called me in to her office yet, hopefully this lazy work pays off the clothes I need to buy later. I'm really planning on buying a Swatch because I have been dying to have one ever since I was in my early teenage years. I haven't really decided on the watch I want but hopefully I can get one under RM300 because that is my budget for the watch.

I have been working on a few artworks over the holiday and I realised that I'm really into digital illustrations.

They're still pretty rough and raw but I'm practising so hopefully by the time I've finished my diploma, I can move on to a more serious major and probably major in illustration or typography because I have endless love for both majors. 

I have more or less a month to go with this semester break so I hope to find a new job soon to collect more money and finish more artworks before June.

Repost #1

Assalamualaikum ~

I deleted my previous posts without thinking straight. I have my reasons, but looking back, I was truly happy, so I will repost some old ones, just for the sake of keeping the memory alive.

The man who can't be moved.
23 April 2015
Assalamualaikum ~

I honestly don't know where to start. There's just so much that went both wrong and right at the same time. Two months ago, I was still dwelling with the past. And in only two months, my heart got truly attached to something new.

I must admit that some things still breaks my heart, but this...

This thing that we have, that we had together. I don't know if it's just me who felt it but I truly believe in it. I was happy. I was happy everytime I'm with the both of them.


I don't think I've ever met better people. There's so much that we talked about, the things that we did. The things that we laughed about. Right now, typing this out, I feel like word vomit but it's stuck at the end of my brain. I wish the world knew how happy they made me. I wish the world knew how much they mean to me.

I can't express it, it's way too many feelings that I thought I could type them out but now I realise how wrong I was.

"I rasa macam kita family..." - Darling, April 2015

I will never move on from what we had. It was imperfectly perfect.

10 August 2015

2015 slow the eff down.

Assalamualaikum ~

Honestly, I can't even begin to describe how hectic this year had been for me so far. Literally everything and everyone came and went without warning. I have learnt a lot over the past months and met a lot of new people. I've evolved into a whole new person and gained more skills. It's all a big change and it's honestly overwhelming. But I'm not completely sure if that's a bad thing.

This is the year a lost love came back, disguised as a love but is actually just another lesson of life that some people will always want to bring you down and are obsessed with you for no apparent reason.

This is the year I found two new best friends that ended pretty fast, they taught me that happiness is temporary, feelings change and people change but never forget the good things that have happened despite that one bad thing that made everything fall apart.

I met new people, new friends, smile even more, became more daring to talk to people, say a polite "hi" and smile at random times.

This is the year that I realised how important I am as the last child in the family, and that I can handle all internal problems and I'm good at giving advices and support.

It is the year I fell dramatically in my studies and still in the process of picking up the pieces, this is the year I put in a little more effort.

This is the year that I've learned new things and did new stuff. The year that my world has been opened up to a whole new level.

This is the year for me to accept that life is just as it is, good or bad. Things happen. I need to learn to control my emotions even more and learn how to deal with people's attitude, or you know, choose to stay inside and introverted under the covers, watching movies repeatedly and snacking on sweet stuff while imagining that someday I will be skinny and fit.

All I'm saying is that this year moves by pretty fast.

31 July 2015

100 questions tag.

Assalamualaikum ~

Hiii, I'm feeling bored, and I feel like writing but I don't want to write about the things that upset me so I figured I should do a 100 question tag instead.

  1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4. Well apparently, the book nearest to me is 999 Logo Design Components by Daniel Donnelly so there are more graphics than words in them but the fourth line of the description in the page would be "TARGET AUDIENCE: Broadcast and production companies and advertising agencies."
  2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? My guy friend's vapour.
  3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Listening to some trap music.
  4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Something about Hari Raya because it's still the festive season.
  5. Without looking, guess what time it is. 7.45 p.m *loud gasp* I guessed one minute early but I did it!!
  6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? It was 7.44 when I guessed it.
  7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Car noises from the studio I am in.
  8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Just now, I had dinner with my parents.
  9. Did you dream last night? I did.
  10. Do you remember your dreams? Depends on how intense the dreams were but I personally hate dreaming whether it's a good dream or a nightmare, I'd rather have a blank deep sleep.
  11. When did you last laugh? Just now.
  12. Do you remember why / at what? My friend is suddenly craving for meatballs.
  13. What is on the walls of the room you are in? A lot of murals and vandalisms.
  14. Seen anything weird lately? Yes, but I can't tell.
  15. What do you think of this quiz? It's a simple, answerable one.
  16. What is the last film you saw? Ant-Man, in the theatre.
  17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I'd say somewhere with a beautiful beach view or perhaps a deep city like New York, either one.
  18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? A new phone, a matte black Lamborghini Aventador, a grey Nissan Skyline R35, a house, and I'll ask anyone else what they would like and I'll buy anything for them too.
  19. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. I'm believe that I'm actually a really girly girl, like I really like girly stuff, I just don't own them or flaunt them or use them.
  20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I wish everyone lived equally, maybe not lavishly, but at least everyone would have enough food to feed each human on earth.
  21. Do you like to dance? I LOVE to dance although I'm no good at it.
  22. Would you ever consider living abroad? I have considered living abroad a lot of times already but I just don't know if I have enough guts to do so.
  23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams? Not at all.
  24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone? My brother.
  25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? A pretty photo of Ariana Grande.
  26. Last time you swam in a pool? Three months ago.
  27. Type of music you like most? I have a mixed genre but trap songs and hip hop conquers my playlist.
  28. Type of music you dislike most? Hard metal and screamos.
  29. Are you listening to music right now? Yesss, people who know me well know that my earphones are plugged in 80% of the time.
  30. What color is your bedroom carpet? I don't have a carpet in my bedroom.
  31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? Everything, literally EVERYTHING.
  32. What was the last thing you bought? Food.
  33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? Yes,
  34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? It's definitely on my bucketlist.
  35. Do you have a garden? No.
  36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yes.
  37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? The person I love.
  38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? YouTuber Troye Sivan.
  39. Who sent the last text message you received? My sister.
  40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Definitely H&M.
  41. What time is bed time? When I feel like it but it's definitely out of the norm.
  42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? No.
  43. How many tattoos do you have? None.
  44. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? If it wasn't against my religion, I probably would have by now.
  45. What did you do for your last birthday? I got surprised twice for my birthday this year.
  46. Do you carry a donor card? I don't.
  47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? My classmates.
  48. Is the glass half empty or half full? Depends on the person looking at it.
  49. What's the farthest-away place you've been? The States.
  50. When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Probably not once in my life.
  51. Have you ever won a trophy? I've won several.
  52. Are you a good cook? I'm actually a really bad cook.
  53. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes.
  54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? As of right now, the person I have feelings for.
  55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? Yes, For 12 years of my life.
  56. Do you touch-type? Yes.
  57. What's under your bed? Empty baskets.
  58. Do you believe in love at first sight? No, at least not for me.
  59. Think fast, what do you like right now? Troye Sivan's YouTube videos (I just recently got hooked again).
  60. Where were you on Valentine's day? Home.
  61. What time do you get up? Depends on what time I sleep. I don't sleep throughout the night sometimes so after Fajr, I'd probably sleep until noon unless there's class, then I'll be waking up at 7.35 a.m.
  62. What was the name of your first pet? Phantom and Blackie.
  63. Who is the second to last person to call you? My mom.
  64. Is there anything going on this weekend? Yes, I'm probably going to Shah Alam for open houses and I have my MUET tests tomorrow.
  65. How are you feeling right now? Content with my newly-found freedom.
  66. What do you think about the most? How to keep myself busy and what song is there to listen to next.
  67. What time do you get up in the morning? Depends on the time I slept. But I'd say 6.00 a.m.
  68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people? I won't wait that long, I'd probably straight up call someone to tell the news.
  69. Who would you tell first? Probably my sister.
  70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? Ant-Man.
  71. Do you sing in the shower? All. The. Time.
  72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Ughhh, I hate repeated questions.
  73. What do you do most when you are bored? Listen to music and sing along.
  74. What do you do for a living? I'm still studying.
  75. Do you love your job? As a student? I'm enjoying it half the time I guess.
  76. What did you want to be when you grew up? I started off thinking I would be an astronomer but now that I grew up, I'm aiming to be an art lecturer or someone who works in the industry, a graphic designer basically.
  77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? A very famous graphic designer.
  78. Which came first the chicken or the egg? LOL I actually hate this question but I'd say the chicken.
  79. How many keys on your key ring? Two.
  80. Where would you retire to? I haven't thought of this yet.
  81. What kind of car do you drive? Depends on what car people lend me but mostly sedans and MPVs.
  82. What are your best physical features? My big eyes and mega long eyelashes.
  83. What are your best characteristics? I always lend a hand to people.
  84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Somewhere with a clear blue ocean.
  85. What kind of books do you like to read? I used to read Malay novels when I was young, I read a few English novels but I really am not a reader at all.
  86. Where would you want to retire to? Next question please.
  87. What is your favorite time of the day? Between 3 a.m and 5.00 a.m.
  88. Where did you grow up? My hometown, Melaka.
  89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? I'm like.....here.
  90. What are you reading now? Nothing in particular.
  91. Are you a morning person or a night owl? BOTH, and I really love that about me.
  92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? Nope.
  93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? Yes.
  94. Do you have pets? I do, cats cats and more cats.
  95. How many rings before you answer the phone? I used to pick up in a flash but really, it depends on who's calling.
  96. What is your best childhood memory? I liked the trips I took when I was in primary school.
  97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? I've been working a lot at different types of places so I'm kind of lazy to list them down.
  98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? Nope.
  99. What is most important in life? Myself, I guess. Pleasing my own feelings.
  100. What inspires you? Mostly, the person I have feeling for but a lot of things inspire me.

30 July 2015

Shut up or die.

Assalamualaikum ~

No, you can't say that because it will hurt other people.
No, you can't retweet that, it will cause pain for others.
No, you can't do that, you will make other people angry.
No, you can't think that, it will make other people upset.
No, you can't be you because being you causes the world to go bad.

Yes, restricted. I am restricted from being me. No part of me will ever satisfy the people around me. The things I do will never be good enough.

If everything I do, even if I think about other people before I do it, will still hurt people. So let's just pretend:

My mouth is sewn shut.
My hands are tied up.
My mind is locked away.

Yes, let's do that. Because apparently I just hurt people. That's just what I do. I'll shut myself down if that's really the only thing that will satisfy others. So don't question me after this, to fall back into the person I was before.

Mati pun sesorang dalam kubur. Hadap Tuhan pun sensorang kat akhirat.

24 March 2015


Assalamualaikum ~

Dah berkali kau ulang, dah berkali kau telan, Kau tetap tak serik untuk serahkan hati kau pada manusia-manusia yang sebenarnya syaitan bertopeng.

Berulang kali sudah diingatkan, jangan percayakan mereka yang tak berpegang pada Tuhan. Dunia ni terlalu sementara. Segala yang kau jumpa, dan yang kau lakukan, hanya satu persinggahan. Anggaplah kau berjalan atas muka bumi ni mengutip perkara. Setapak kau berjalan, kau akan jumpa berbagai perkara. Cuma jadi pilihan kau untuk pilih yang baik atau buruk.

Ingatlah, perkara tu semua kau nak hadapkan dekat Tuhan satu hari nanti. Kau nak ke tadah tangan dengan segala perkara yang buruk dan harapkan belas kasihan yang Tuhan dah lama berikan selama kau hidup atas muka bumi ni? Kau fikir dia nak pandang kau dengan adanya selaut manusia yang lain? Kau fikir dia nak lebihkan kau sedangkan banyak lagi manusia yang lebih mulia dari kau

Buatlah Tuhanmu pandang dirimu, lupakan duniawi dan sentuhlah akhirat. Bersedialah, even if it means that you have to go along the road all alone, by yourself.

He is true. And everything bad He puts you through is because He loves you.

Baliklah. Baliklah pada Dia. Lupakan mereka yang telah berdusta dan mereka yang telah khianatimu. Kebahagiaan mutlak milik Tuhan, minta pada Dia, bukan pada manusia yang tak mempunyai apa-apa kuasa,

04 February 2015


Assalamulaikum ~

Firasat manusia kadangkala betul. Kadangkala tidak. Firasat itu ilham. Firasat itu gerak hati. Firasat itu bagaikan pembantu mencari hala tuju.

Betul atau salah, lihat pada masa hadapan. Ada benda, Tuhan terus bagi, ada benda, dia sampaikan melalui makhluk yang derhaka, syaitan.

Kita kena bijak pilih. Dan kalau terlalu sukar, maka berdoalah sentiasa. Dan lakukan istikharah.

Tidak salah menuntuti firasat, tapi jangan sampai jadi hancur.

Macam aku.

04 January 2015

Growing up.

Assalamualaikum ~

Okay so yeah, about 10 posts ago, I seemed sad. And like I stated in my previous post, I hate to be seen as happy. Because I actually am not. I would know if I really am truly happy.

But aside from all the things that I'm going through, studies, family matters and daily life with friends, I realised now that I have changed or in other words, starting to actually grow up.

When my past came back to me, I thought I was better. But one of my best friend pointed out that I am only physically better. I lost 4kg due to all the workouts and dieting but now that's all gone since I got back into college. Damn expensive college food and the limited time and space.

So, I keep waking up everyday, feeling empty, wondering what I'll do because God knows in a few years, or a few months, my life will change drastically. I'm getting into my 20s and the people around me are getting serious with everything. Studies, work and relationships.

I would personally love to start my own business, I only have three problems. Time. Money.Consistency. I have done a lot of business that involves art since I was a kid and I was not happy with them. Mostly because I was careless when it comes to juggling with money and time.

Maybe I should venture into things that are more digital than manual. I need to have a kick-ass printer. Yep.

So actually, the point of making this post is to tell that I am finally able to COOK!


Embarrassing. I know.

Yes, I know. I'm already 20 and only now I realize that I can actually cook. Not that I was lazy or anything (well, that too) but there was a back story as to why I did not cook since I was younger. I blasted santan all over the kitchen trying to blend it.

Yada yada. What's important now is that I can say that I am qualified to become somebody's wife.

Aaaaand back to being sad. Yes, I'm still holding on to my past because nothing is ever set in stone. I'm still hoping, I'm still waiting and I won't stop trying.


“Babe, kenapa delete conversation dekat Twitter?”

I don’t know how to explain my actions. I never let a conversation stay in my timeline. Ever. I delete them a day after I post them.

I hate being judged online. I hate it when people see the way I speak in real life (because it’s pretty much how I say things online). This is going to sound weird but I hate being portrayed and seen as ‘fine’. I hate it when people think that I don’t have a problem.

Most of my tweets and retweets consists of sadness and pain, about being strong, about being forgotten. And I love them that way. I barely tweet things myself. I just other people speak for me. I hate to see my own post on my own timeline. I hate it when I’m not silent.

I used to think that tweeting about everything everyday was fun and harmless until I got into a fight with a bunch of people over a bunch of tweets. I learned my lesson and it changed me. I don’t see the point of talking if people don’t want to know about it or if it hurts people. I don’t see the point if telling if it’s only going to make me hurt and uncomfortable.

I have lived in sadness for years, and when I don’t feel it, I feel nothing. I feel the need to feel sad. I feel the need to be silent. I am happy in my sorrows.

I’m sorry if anyone ever felt like I don’t care about them or how rude of me to be deleting the conversations. I mean what I say; I just don’t feel comfortable enough to let the public know about me.