03 December 2015

Rosie Dunne did not end up with Alex Stewart.

Assalamualaikum ~

I know the title of this post is long.

I've posted something about Love, Rosie a few months back and it was about me and how a boy had claimed that I was the Rosie to his Alex. We'd been friends literally since we were babies. He was five days younger than me and I lived so close to him. We used to go to the same school, to the same tempat mengaji, bullied each other and I dumped his slipper in the gigantic drain we used to play at when we were about five years old. I practically grew up with him and he definitely was the boy next door.

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I knew him as long as I can remember and I still blush at the sight of him and my heart pounds to hear his name. That's the truth. Even when I was in a relationship with someone else, he was there, just there, you know, when my relationship went horrible he just stood there watching. And my ex kept shoving this boy's name in my head saying how much he liked me since primary school. I knew he liked me. I knew he liked me for a very long time and for the longest time, I had a spot for him saved in my heart. Deep down, very deep down.

I wasn't the type to go out much with friends of hang around boys, I barely leave my room let alone my house. So four to five years back, we got separated because we went to different schools. I don't text people first, I suck at keeping in touch but I remember how he always texts first; asking me if I was doing good, how's school, how's life, have you broken up with the one who broke your heart. Occasionally, when we're on break, he'd ask me out for movies and food, and we once clashed wearing the same colour shirt, and upon seeing him wearing grey too, I blushed, hard.

I remember changing from Maxis to Digi because Digi has Buddiez Plan where back in the days, you could have three friends to text and call without charges and he was actually the ONLY friend on my Buddiez account. I remember talking to him on the phone once from night til morn, and we end up betting whoever wakes up first on the dot at 5.00 a.m to be treated lunch someday. I woke up first, but my signal was bad so his call came through first. I claimed the first one to wake up and he gave in, it was his treat. KFC, not a big deal since we were high school students and the KFC was like a kilometre from home. But we got busted by a teacher and she thought we were dating.

Years passed and I could never get over that five years of heartbreak I went through, the nights crying under the covers, the days wandering inside my head of what could have been's and what if's. The rip of the heart when those people keep coming back to me and not letting me be happy alone. Five years of heartbreak. Until my 20th birthday this year.

I remember him asking if I was still beat up over the heartbreak and I admitted to it as much as I hate it. I remember his exact words; "hey, let me save you."

It lasted four days. Four. He decided it was not what he wanted. I was angry, but to the point where I laugh hysterically because really dude? What the hell were you looking for?

I left it behind. Went through several crushes, messed up with one, and on the 30th of August, when I tweeted about a minor heartbreak about an ex-best friend, I got a reply/mention saying "still  you", with a purple heart. I thought he mistakenly mentioned me so I tweeted (without mentioning) to ask him to mention me again if it wasn't a mistake. He did. I gave in.

I have such a soft spot for him.

We met, had a few dates, and two weeks later he flew to the other side of the country again.

It was nice, promising, I was happy, I was waiting, I was hopeful. We're in our 20's and both Aquarians, future is a big thing for us, and the future is what we always aim for, so to me, marriage was something big and serious to talk about. It wasn't me to be the first one to say the word "sayang". It wasn't me who first said "...nanti bila dah kawin..." and all that jazz. Not that I don't want to, I know better than to overwhelm a boy with marriage discussion and cute names so soon. But he did and I went along with it.

I wouldn't call myself an annoying girlfiend. Maybe an aloof one. I never text first or call first. We rarely text and he'd be calling at night, after games, during games, after assignment or I'd help with the assignment. We'd be on call every night. We'd listen to each other sleeping. He liked my voice and I loved his. He sings all the time, horribly, but I let him, because I sing too. And when I started Skyping with friends, he made a Skype account and Skyped me. He's the one who ask, not me. I never ask. I always assume that he's busier than me. I told him months before "I never text first, I don't like to annoy people, so if you miss me, or want to talk to me, just text me, I'll always make time for you." Even if I wanted to call, I'd ask for permission. I wasn't aloof, I was understanding.

I thought I was safe enough to hit three months and I had hope that things were meant to last but two and a half months later I waited for more than a week to end up with a text saying "I need space." I always gave him space, I never nagged or admit that I needed him. A few days after, "I'm thinking whether or not the relationship is good for me."

"I get bored easily."

"I don't know how to keep relationships."

"You were my rebound."

"I wanted to get over someone I really love,"

It hurts. More than he knows. And every night he comes in my dreams, crushing me again and again. I warned him of how easily attached I can be, how I trust so fast and fall so vast. It doesn't matter, I don't matter.

Little does he know he was my rebound too. But I didn't treat him like one. I convinced myself that he isn't one and I really fell for him. It wasn't fair what he did to me. And not to mention it was the second time around too, you know, getting dumped by him.

So, he's not exactly the sweet, forever-in-love with Rosie the Alex Stewart I thought he was. I still can't believe in all of the people in the world that he could have messed things up with, he chose the girl who he kinda grew up with.

The sad part is, I still hope he'd changed. Because I'm a dreamer, a hopeless romantic. And I still dream that one day Alex Stewart would come back apologizing to Rosie Dunne for breaking her heart.