04 January 2015

Growing up.

Assalamualaikum ~

Okay so yeah, about 10 posts ago, I seemed sad. And like I stated in my previous post, I hate to be seen as happy. Because I actually am not. I would know if I really am truly happy.

But aside from all the things that I'm going through, studies, family matters and daily life with friends, I realised now that I have changed or in other words, starting to actually grow up.

When my past came back to me, I thought I was better. But one of my best friend pointed out that I am only physically better. I lost 4kg due to all the workouts and dieting but now that's all gone since I got back into college. Damn expensive college food and the limited time and space.

So, I keep waking up everyday, feeling empty, wondering what I'll do because God knows in a few years, or a few months, my life will change drastically. I'm getting into my 20s and the people around me are getting serious with everything. Studies, work and relationships.

I would personally love to start my own business, I only have three problems. Time. Money.Consistency. I have done a lot of business that involves art since I was a kid and I was not happy with them. Mostly because I was careless when it comes to juggling with money and time.

Maybe I should venture into things that are more digital than manual. I need to have a kick-ass printer. Yep.

So actually, the point of making this post is to tell that I am finally able to COOK!


Embarrassing. I know.

Yes, I know. I'm already 20 and only now I realize that I can actually cook. Not that I was lazy or anything (well, that too) but there was a back story as to why I did not cook since I was younger. I blasted santan all over the kitchen trying to blend it.

Yada yada. What's important now is that I can say that I am qualified to become somebody's wife.

Aaaaand back to being sad. Yes, I'm still holding on to my past because nothing is ever set in stone. I'm still hoping, I'm still waiting and I won't stop trying.


“Babe, kenapa delete conversation dekat Twitter?”

I don’t know how to explain my actions. I never let a conversation stay in my timeline. Ever. I delete them a day after I post them.

I hate being judged online. I hate it when people see the way I speak in real life (because it’s pretty much how I say things online). This is going to sound weird but I hate being portrayed and seen as ‘fine’. I hate it when people think that I don’t have a problem.

Most of my tweets and retweets consists of sadness and pain, about being strong, about being forgotten. And I love them that way. I barely tweet things myself. I just other people speak for me. I hate to see my own post on my own timeline. I hate it when I’m not silent.

I used to think that tweeting about everything everyday was fun and harmless until I got into a fight with a bunch of people over a bunch of tweets. I learned my lesson and it changed me. I don’t see the point of talking if people don’t want to know about it or if it hurts people. I don’t see the point if telling if it’s only going to make me hurt and uncomfortable.

I have lived in sadness for years, and when I don’t feel it, I feel nothing. I feel the need to feel sad. I feel the need to be silent. I am happy in my sorrows.

I’m sorry if anyone ever felt like I don’t care about them or how rude of me to be deleting the conversations. I mean what I say; I just don’t feel comfortable enough to let the public know about me.