18 December 2014

Drifting away.

I wish I could understand what's wrong with me. I wish I could figure out my life by now. I wish I was still happy. I wish I had shut my huge mouth four months ago. I wish I wasn't as stupid as I was four months ago.

I wish I knew what God has planned for me. I have to admit that I'm drifting away from everything and everyone. I am missing everything. I am not consistent anymore. I am lost.

I wish I wasn't this empty.

God must have some sort of plan for me, that I myself do not know where it leads. I thought I was happy. Maybe because I was too happy, He decided I need to come kneel back and know where I stand in this world. The world is temporary and everyone knows it. Everyone just pretends that we could all live forever.

I wish I had known the reason behind all this commotion coming back to me. Above all, I wish the one coming back to me was actually meant for me. I am so sick of being clueless of what to do. I am so sick of dreaming of things that I don't want to. I am so sick of getting hurt day by day. I am so sick to have to pretend that I am fine, like I don't feel like sitting in the shower all day just wondering where my life is going. I am so sick of having to figure things out myself. I am so sick with the fact that I don't know how to win the fight.

All I know is that not only they are holding the sword against my neck to cut me off forever, they decided to chop of every gory bits of me, bit by bit. Make me suffer this few seconds of life I have. Skin me deeper and deeper, pulling every nail I have, plucking off my hair and smiling to the fact that I am crying and I am in pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to get my head chopped off. I want to win. I want to own my life back. I want to own my love back.

I'm not done yet but I just don't have the strategy to get back up and fight back.

11 November 2014

Heart wants it wants.

I've changed. Half for the better and half back at square one. I don't write well anymore. And I have so many things to say but they get stuck in my throat.

Dah jauh. Semua dah jauh. Aku tak rasa rapat anymore. Not with anyone. Yes, I still have my college friends tapi since everything turned back the way it was, I realised that my happiness is really, really actually with one person only. Everything else just seems to fade away. I was happy during the second semester, perhaps because I had an eye on someone, but then when my life changed again, I realised I can only be truly happy when I am with someone that helped me find my true self. That someone that made me braver, stronger, healthier, sadder and happier at the same time.

"Would you have a crush (on your previous crush) again when all things go bad and you get your heart broken again?" - a friend, 2014

I didn't know how to answer that before but now I do. No.

Not even a little bit. Love and like are two totally different things. And getting my heart broken by the one is such a privilege. I'm back to square one but I'm bitter in a different way now. I know things will be better because I have a feeling that my path will cross the other person's again.

Things are so not the same anymore, even when I'm with the other eleven people, there is not one moment that I wish I was with someone else. There is not a day that I don't space out and just think about the "what ifs" and "could have beens". I don't respond to people anymore. I don't like talking to others when I know I can't talk to the one person I need to talk to. When people try to communicate with me, I just space out, keep quiet, stare at those people until they get pissed off and then I walk away. It's either that or I just answer everything in a short and bitter manner.

I crave for adventures with that person. I crave to be there for him, with him. I want to take him to Subway and Wong Solo like I promised. I want to take him to Jumpstreet PJ and spend a whole day with him having fun. I want to workout with him. Find restaurants for him to satisfy his meat cravings and go to JB with him to order his custom-made jeans. I want more of him.

I'm sad. Yes, because I lost it again and this time, it's my fault.

11 October 2014

A different solitude.

I have lost my ability to write publishable things but I'll try my best to express myself this way now that I don't really have any proper work to do.

So, solitude.

As mentioned before, it is a state where I can get to that euphoria phase. I get drunk off the moment and I drown in the memory of it. Weird enough, my new solitude is the mornings I spend at the hospital to get nebulized. I have terrible asthma and it struck me last night and I ended up waking myself at 3 a.m. My roommate insisted I called my family so I rang my mom and after waiting for about 15 minutes, she came and took me to the hospital.

Truthfully I hate the process of it. But when I finally get in the chair and got the breathing meds and dosage done on me, I love how it feels like to drift to sleepiness with the smell of medicine, the cold environment and the warmth from my sweater. I like the smell of hospitals, I don't even know why.

I know that weird doesn't even begin to cover my interests but whatever *insert crying while laughing emoji*.


07 September 2014

Best Friends.

They don't exist. They never do. A guy nor a girl, will ever be loyal to you.

Stop convincing yourself that they don't talk bad behind you. Stop convincing yourself that they are a saint. Stop convincing yourself that they don't mind all those things that comes out of your mouth. Stop convincing yourself that they will comfort you when you're at your worst time. They are there because they benefit from you.

I feel like I'm being used. Now that I'm back at a vulnerable state, I can see the people who are distancing from me. I can see their true colours. I can see that they want me around because apparently, I'm too helpful. That's how I feel. I see that now, that there are many who wants to know what you did bad, they pretend like they care, but honestly, they're just there out of curiosity; and the opportunity to learn about the stuff that brings you down, just so they can use it against you someday. I learn that the one you though would never think bad about you judges you from the top of your head to the very tip of your toes. I learn that nobody can love another person more than themselves unless it is of a mother's love.

No one will be there to catch you when you fall, they leave. Because it does not benefit them. Because it doesn't involve them. No one.

You only have yourself. And when you cry in that bathroom stall, you will need to pick yourself back up and pretend that everything is normal. When you are in a bad state of mind, put on a smile, because no one wants to know that you want to kill yourself inside. Nobody wants to know how much your heart is thumping, crying, wailing, wanting to end the shit you're in. Nobody wants to know anything that does not benefit them. Nobody is ever true to anyone else.

Trust yourself.

Because that's the only person left.

Nobody else.

I trust no one.

13 July 2014


Assalamualaikum ~

I lost it. I honestly lost it.


What is going on? My life is usually projected into words I can't help but to spill but now I can't write anymore. I can't find the right words to arrange. I'm even having trouble writing in class. Every single time I try to write on my blog, I'll end up using the words "I don't know, I just really don't know anymore." I no longer write long passages. I can't write what I mean to say.

I seriously think something is blocking my thoughts and emotions from being written. I love writing so much. I want to write. What is going on??

Someone help me.

01 July 2014


Assalamualaikum ~

So it's been a while since I've updated and my stalker friends are demanding to see what I'd have to say next.

I didn't sound so good in my previous post but it was only because of the many shitty assignments I have. I'm fine now. I'm happy as a matter of fact. Things have been going on quite smoothly and the subjects don't seem so bloody shocking anymore.

Still, this semester seems bloody hard as hell. The only thing that actually keeps me alive and well and able to wake up every morning is my friends. It's been three bloody weeks and still the classes are messed up. Lecturers aren't showing up and we still haven't even started learning certain subjects.

I don't know. It feels the same although we learn new things. But sometimes it just feels so damn mundane that I really need my solitude.

On the other hand, being home isn't exactly the best place in the whole world. There's just some unexplained bad vibe in that house. But whenever my parents ask me to follow them to any dinner or balik kampung and such, I kinda get delighted to tag along because basically life is boring as hell when I get stuck in Lendu.

I just came back from iftar with them and I got myself a pretty kimono cardigan even though I got really tired after pusing satu bangunan Aeon nak cari benda yang boleh buat pakai. Alhamdulillah, I mean things are going great when it's just me with my parents.

So, two birthdays have passed, three if you count Muizz's that we celebrated together on Qila's. I better give a brief update about this before I seriously have too much to say and end up making a very long post to speak to my hearts content.

I don't have a proper picture of Qila and Muizz's birthday cake even though I recorded a few videos. As per usual we had dinner at Bentara and went down to the parking lot to surprise them and then kitorang lepak dekat situ sampai puas membebel.

I didn't post on Instagram about that birthday like I normally do with the others tapi takpelah, I just hope they know how much I love and appreciate them.

Rayyan's birthday however went fairly well on the 22nd of June. Petang tu Nana beli tepung dengan Qila and Ayim yang tepungkan Ray dengan tambahan air mineral sejuk si Edry. Lepas tu yang bestnya Adi duduk atas kereta Ayim pastu Ayim drive macam orang gila keliling parking lot.

Hah. Brief sangat ceritanya, macam tak cukup ayat tapi tengah semak kepala dengan assigment lagi so till the next post.

15 June 2014


Assalamualaikum ~

The thrid semester started a week ago and to be honest, all I wanna do right now is be home. I want my room back, my bed back.

Sure, I have new things to be thankful for, I have tons of new clothes and new things to learn.

But see, the worst part hasn't even passed yet. It's only the first week and I already declared that I might have a breakdown this semester because everything is just too damn hard.

My new classes and schedules are pretty much fucked up. I don't really like or enjoy my new lecturers. And I feel annoyed with almost everything. I became quiet again. I have no idea if people noticed or not but I keep things to myself a lot nowadays. I sit in the back of the car, I felt wrong losing my earphones and I bought a new pair today just so I can feel content with my own music. I'm not enjoying shopping anymore. All I think about is my mom and dad who had me worried sick for going off to Sarawak for a kursus or something. I can't have them far away. I need them.

I want to go home. I have a shitload of assignments and they make me want to sleep in all day because of how difficult they are.

And honestly, there are a lot of group projects this semester and that worries the hell out of me. First of all, grouping up with a person means not being able to give all of me into my own artwork, second, I'm an extreme procrastinator. But I tend to finish my work on time. But when it comes to having a partner, I can't find my own sweet time to do my work. I'm going to be forced to work earlier which never really brought out the best in me. I'm not joking. I can't do this.

No. I want to be home. I want my solitude.

28 May 2014

The most productive break yet.

Assalamualaikum ~

After weeks of abandoning this blog, I've decided to document my days during the semester break since I'll be back in college dalam masa lebih kurang 10 hari, give or take a day. This post is hella long so it's up to you to let me entertain you with my ridiculous lifestyle.

1. The "I miss them(s) and "Holidays are boooooring" Phase
So, by far this has been the most productive and I might add, the best break I've ever had. Campur segala school breaks, public holidays and semester breaks, I think this one just kills. At the beginning of the semester macam biasalah duduk melanguk je kat rumah tak buat apa. Waiting every single minute for the phone to ring on texts or Whatsapp ke apa benda ke. Sibuk merindui para Lendurians yang jauh nun di Seremban, Shah Alam, Kelantan dan Pahang. Tiap-tiap minggu topup phone tapi semua benda macam tak best langsung.

2. The "I'm trying to please my parents" Phase
Maka I started to duduk bawah, as in I took my laptop and stuff downstairs, tidur makan semua kat bawah. Tak jejak bilik pun. Tidur pun atas sofa. You can read a completely literature-like version of this experience in my previous post.

3. The "Still trying to please my parents by having awkward moments" Phase
Then when I decided to naik atas balik, I still had a better communication with my parents. Sebab dah sampai level aku bercakap tentang benda yang matang dengan parents, so diorang pun rajin layan aku aside from those nights I hooked up my laptop to the TV so that I could watch movies together with them tapi malangnya movies yang aku ada selalu PG13 or 18SX which causes me to lari masuk bilik jap or pergi dapur buat-buat minum air untuk mengelak dari tahap awkward yang melampau.

3. The "Nadrah tak reti masak" Phase
Then the other day my mom challenged me to live without her cooking for a day. I said "Okay, fine. I can manage," and I actually did. For a person who does not know how to cook like me, I successfully masak ayam lauk black pepper kicap amende tah. I don't even know what I cooked but it was edible. My mom came home tanya "Ayah beli lauk ke?" and then I just laughed and told her what I did that day lepas tu dia rasa and cakap sedap so okay aku dah berani masak. Tapi sikit-sikitlah. Next sem break aku belajarlah lagi nanti.

4. The "Let's gain money and friends" Phase
Early May, I had the opportunity to again, jaga konvo UiTM Melaka yang ke-80 and made new friends. Still jugak stick with Kak Syaa, but I met new people, the few I remember of is Kak Nisa, Wani (such a sweetheart this one is and surprisingly was from my first high school), Panjang who was hella funny and a few more others that were entertaining enough to work with. I did got bored jaga air mineral tapi event tiga hari je pun so I was glad I did it. Insha-Allah, two more convos to jaga until I finally graduate.

5. The "Wannabe Baker" Phase 
On the other hand, I successfully baked a cake at the age of 19. Luckily my sister is a baker tegar so segala ingredients aku amek dari rumah dia je. I baked at home dengan segala bebelan yang masuk telinga dari mulut mama sebab yelah, dah lahh tak reti masak, tiba-tiba nak bake pulak. When the 4-inch white cake was done, I was sent to rumah kaklong to decorate it. I used buttercream frosting. It wasn't a masterpiece but still, I baked a cake thanks to the influence and urge triggered by CakeJalanTiung that was introduced to me by Qila.

I also got caught helping my sister out with her baking these couple of days. I have fondant duty in which I'm in charge of the cupcake hantaran. In return, she'll pay for my new pair of shoes, insha-Allah.

6. The "I went out with boyfriend orang" Phase
Sounds wrong? Haha! Tak lahh. This guy is my very good friend sejak azali lagi. We've known each other forever. We haven't been going to the same school since high school and now dia kat UiTM Puncak Alam taking Asasi Sains while I'm happily studying at Lendu. Kelakar lahh jugak kisahnya keluar dengan dia but I got to watch Spiderman so cheers to that.

7. The "Successful Shoppers" Phase
Mommy gave me RM200 to spend on shoes. I've been mentioning to her that I wanted to buy a pair of Converse or Vans dari awal cuti sem lagi. So last week dia bagi duit untuk ajak kakak keluar. Dah lahh kena pusing tempat yang tak disukai. Lepas survey dua-dua I had a change of heart. RM150++ on a pair of shoes? Hahahahahahahahahaha NO. So I called my mom asking her opinion sebab I really didn't feel like buying either Vans nor Converse anymore so she said beli jelahh B.U.M ke AirWalk ke, tak kisah. Coincidentally I went to Cotton On earlier and I saw a pair of gorgeous RUBI shoes that looks more or less like Vans. Ada promotion RM80 for two tapi tak teringin lak nak beli dua pasang so instead I got a grey pair and my sister took a pair of black ballet flats. And the I went to Voir Gallery where I got a grey South Chine Sea top for 50%. I also bought a new purse and this one pair of beautiful sunglasses I've been eyeing on for quite some time. Also, we got to watch the new Godzilla yang ada Aaron Freaking-Johnson *hnnnggg* and I do not undestand kenapa people say that this movie was boring. So that's how I managed to spend money wisely.

8. The "Sexy Workouts" Phase
Well, this actually started like a few days ago. I did gain a little weight this break, I can't lie. Luckily, I had the urge to find fitness tips to kick-start my own fitness program. Seriously though, I want a nice body. I managed to do simple workouts and had good music to motivate me and I might and hopefully make this a daily routine. I just have to find a good spot to do these ridiculous workouts dekat kolej nanti sebab face it, exercising isn't a normal thing for college kids.

Some of the songs that I've been working out to is On My Own by Miley Cyrus, Fancy by Iggy Azalea, Problem by Ariana Grande and Wiggle by Jason Derulo.

So yelahh dah habis dah post panjang berjela. Timaceh to those that stuck with me until the end of this post. In conclusion, my semester break was not boring and typical like the ones I had before.

18 May 2014


I can’t even imagine how to begin but I’m going to have to start somewhere. My eyelids usually get heavier by the minute the clock reaches 10 or 11 at night. No matter how hard I try to stay awake, my body, already on the couch in the living room will always surrender to the messed up biological clock I’ve been having since the start of the semester break. I’ll find myself awake at one or two in the morning, alone and scared because the TV is turned off and the lights are too. Sometimes, I find myself wrapped in a blanket, unknowingly put there by my mom.

I fear the dark so I’ll get up as quickly as possible. If my phone is with me, I’ll be reaching it to ease my way to the light switch by turning it on. As soon as I flicked the switch and the mild, orange wall lamp lit up, I let out an exhale, relieved by the sight of the empty TV hall.

But then there’s the huge kitchen behind me; dark and almost too big. It makes me feel like a scared five-year-old. But I overcome my fear anyway as soon as I went to the open archway and turn on the light. It takes approximately three seconds for the light to actually switch on. Three seconds is long enough for a person who is scared of the dark. So I will stand there, hands on the wall, fingers on the switch, staring into the kitchen that seems very much endless in the dark until I finally see everything.

After the fear got washed away, I sit on the hard couch and reach for the two remote controls that my father so very neatly place in this sewn pocket hanging at the arm of the couch. One is for the TV and one is for the Astro decoder. I turn both on and usually flip over straight to TLC or StarWorld. If the program is interesting enough, I stay there to watch and if nothing entertains me, I head over to the front living hall and turn on my laptop to watch movies that I've repeated over and over again.

As I spend my hours silently watching the movies which are usually comedy while silently laughing in my head, I can’t help but to glance at the kitchen. I hate that place from eleven at night until five in the morning because my mom won’t be there. I won’t feel safe. I keep glancing to make sure that I’m still alone. I’m a coward. I never felt safe.

But this solitude usually reaches its heaven peak whenever I decide to shower. Since the bathroom I use is at the very back of the kitchen, I’ll open every light possible, reach for my towel which is sometimes upstairs in my room, hanging at the back of my door or flung over on the arm of the staircase. I bring my phone with me too. I put on soft, soothing music; mostly from Taylor Swift’s album Red. I listen to sad, sappy, dragging love songs and I sing to them while the warm water runs over me. And when I’m done showering, I’ll find myself rather fond of how I look and feel the confidence I don’t feel during the day. My skin will look much better at night, probably because the sun is asleep and so is everybody else.

I’ll do anything to consume the time, I eat, I read, I write, I draw until it is 5 o’clock. Because that’s when my mother comes out silently from her room and starts her daily routine. She’ll make me breakfast and tells me to go pray when it’s time. And by the time she’s going to work, I’ll be sound asleep on the couch, feeling like a five-year-old and wake up unhappy in the afternoon or late evening because all I want to do is feel another solitude and just waiting for the clock to reach the next one o’clock in the morning.

17 April 2014

100 Questions.

Assalamualaikum ~

This is very random so yep.

1) Whats your name?
Read my URL.

2) How old are you?
19 this year.

3) Whats your birthday?
On the 9th of February.

4) What starsign does that make it?

5) Whats your favourite colour?
I have too many favorite colours but I'll go with white.

6) Whats your lucky number?
I don't have one.

7) Do you have any pets?
I have cats.

8) Where are you from?

9) How tall are you?
I haven't measured since high school, dah lama kot but here's a wild guess: 158cm.

10) What shoe size are you?
8 or 9.

11) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
I'd say 4.

12) If you were prime minister/ruler of the world what laws would you make?
I'd probably stop all alcohol/cigarettes production and stop all the clubs/wild parties that are happening in my country.

13) If you were a super hero what powers would you have?
I want to be invisible.

14) And what would your hero name be?
Wow, I've never thought of this. Umm, for no apparent reason I'd like to stick with the nickname my friends gave me; Tangan Robot eventhough sangat tak relevant.

15) And what outfit would you wear?
Tak, serious aku taktau.

16) What was your last dream about?
Of my guy best friend. I told him about this and he claimed that aku rindu dia.

17) What would you do if you fall into a great deal of money?
Aku tanak hipokrit, of course aku akan derma sikit then give some to my mom pergi haji. But also nak shopping. Teruk, yes I know.

18) Would you like to build/design your own house?
Probably not. But I'd love my house to be creatively designed though.

19) Which form of public transport do you prefer?
This is agak pelik but I love buses. I really love travelling at night in a bus. But only if bus tak penuh dan sesak and bus express only.

20) What talents do you have?
I have many but the one that shows the most is being extremely neat when it comes to my art. Thus, the nickname "Tangan Robot".

21) Can you juggle?

22) Can you solve a rubix cube?
Hahahahahahahahaha no.

23) Do you have a cherished childhood teddy bear?
Nope, I do have a teddy bear though. My ex gave it to me and even though aku dah bakar semua harta milik dia yang dia bagi I still keep this one sebab it's too cute, tak sampai hati nak bakar. And nope, I'm not attached to the sentimental feeling it once gave me. Sume tu bullcrap.

24) Are you psychic in any way?

25) Are you a good dancer?
I'm actually a bad dancer but I love to do it anyways.

26) Are you a good singer?
I sing badly but I also sing loudly.

27) Are you a good cook?
Eheh eheh eheh no.

28) Are you a good artist?
My expertise is doodling but I can also paint so I'd say yeah, maybe.

29) Are you a good listener?
I am but I judge a lot.

30) Are you a good public speaker?
Yes, I am.

31) Are you a good babysitter?
Tak pernah seumur hidup aku jaga anak orang. Orang jaga aku adala so no.

32) Are you a good mechanic?
I don't own a car and I've never cared about car maintenance before maka tidaklah.

33) Are you a good sibling?
I probably am not because I'm the lazy ass person in the house.

34) Are you a good employee?
Tak. Kerja. Lagi. Pernah kerja dulu, it went fine I guess so entahlah, Taktau nak cakap.

35) Are you a good dresser?
I try my best, I love to dress up and look pretty but I guess yep sometimes I am.

36) Are you a good swimmer?

37) Are you a good skier?
Never have skied in my entire life. Main sled pernah la.

38) Are you a good lover?
I don't know, ask my non-existent boyfriend.
 39) Are you a good musician?
I don't play. I have a guitar but I never took the chance to learn.

40) Are you a good comedian?
Only when I'm being sarcastic and I'm with my sister and/or close friends.

41) Are you a good cleaner?

42) Are you a good actor?
I suppose I am. I love acting.

43) Are you a good writer?
Yes, I am.

44) Have you ever been bungee jumping?
Nope and I don't think I plan to.

45) Have you ever been canoeing/kayaking?

46) What types of holidays do you prefer?
Nothing in particular. I don't really like taking breaks.

47) Whats the furthest you've ever been on holiday?
To Pulau Tioman I guess. That was a great holiday.

48) What was your favourite holiday?
The Pulau Tioman one.

49) Where would your dream holiday be?
Probably New York. Or Bali, at the beach.

50) Can you tap dance?

51) What's your favourite zoo animal?

52) What's your favourite sport?

53) What's your favourite food?
Nasi, Simple as that. Sehari tak makan nasi I go nuts.

54) What's your favourite pizza topping?
I love plain cheese but sometimes I go with beef pep.

55) What's your favourite film?
As a movie junkie, I have no idea how to answer this.

56) What's your favourite song?
I don't think this is possible enough to answer. So I'll just list the songs that I have in my playlist in no particular order.

Tourist - Yuna
Open Season - High Highs
Rock Me - One Direction
Enchanted - Taylor Swift
In Your Arms - Kina Grannis
If I Lose Myself - One Republic
Planes - Yuna
Loud Noises - Yuna
Moonshine - Bruno Mars
Arjuna Beta - Fynn Jamal
Team - Lorde
Sunburn - Owl City
Hate To See Your Heart Break - Paramore
Love Will Remember - Selena Gomez
Treacherous - Taylor Swift
Can We Dance - The Vamps
Colors - Yuna
Mountains - Yuna

57) Whats your favourite drink?
Sirap limau or that warm lemon tea from Secret Recipe.

58) What's your favourite desserts?
I love cake very much.

59) What's your favourite TV program?
How I Met Your Mother which in my opinion ended stupidly and kinda wasted my nine years of watching it but I'd still say it's my favorite.

60) Whats your favourite boyband?
I don't have one.

61) What's your favourite girl group?
Really, I prefer solos.

62) What would be your ideal partner?
Someone who just accepts me the way I am and is infatuated by my existence just the way I would be by his.
 63) Do you want children?

64) Do you want a proper wedding?
Of course, but a simple one. Aku tak minat bersanding bagai.

65) Are you religious?
Tidak. I'd have to admit.

66) Do you like reality TV programs?
I hate them.

67) Do you like TV talent shows?
Absolutely not.

68) If you were gay who would your life partner be?
Selena Gomez, I ain't kidding.

69) If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?
My biggest mistake in the past.

70) How many hats do you own?
I don't.

71) Are you any good at pool?

72) Whats the highest you've ever jumped into the water from?
I guess only from water slides.

73) Have you ever been admitted to hospital?
I've never actually stayed in a hospital, just frequent short visits due to asthma

74) Whats your favourite milkshake flavour?

75) Whats your favourite swear word?

I say "fuck" a lot. But I tend to say "sial" if I'm speaking in Malay.

76) If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?

I want flawless skin.

77) Have you ever been to Legoland?

No but I plan to someday.

78) How often do you buy new clothes?
Often enough to disappoint my bank account.

79) Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone?

Loads of times.

80) Whats the last thing you drew a picture of?
A chibi of Qayyim.

81) Do you hold grudges?

I don't. I just get really angru but in the end I just move on.

82) Do you prefer baths or showers?


83) Do you prefer blue or black inked pens?
Definitely black.

84) Have you ever built a snowman?


85) What was the last book you read?
Cinta Aku dan Dia by Siti Rosmizah. The ever favorite Malay novel.

86) Do you know CPR?

Luckily, I do. Perks of masuk PBSM dekat UiTM.

87) What colour socks are you wearing?

I'm not wearing a pair now but my favorite pair is my knee-high dark blue and white striped socks.

88) If you could live anywhere, where would that be?
I don't know actually but I've always imagined my house to be somewhere soothingly cold with lots of flowers and the smell of coffee and dew in the morning.

Pretty much macam ni.

89) Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise)
Yes, I have. This year. Thanks to my beloved Eminerds and my family.

90) Do you prefer tea,coffee or cocoa?

Cocoa all the way.

91) Who was your first crush?

Tough to admit but it was my best friend.

92) Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z?

Depends on the language I'm speaking at the moment, "Zee" for English and "Zed" for Malay.

93) What is your most essential appliance?

My phone.

94) What type of music do you like?
Ballad, pop and pop rock.

95) Have you already thought about your babies names?
Yes, actually. Hahahahahaha.

96) How many pillows do you sleep with?


97) How much do you tend to swear in public?
Depends with who I was at the moment. I swear under my breath if I am alone, use the work "fuck" a lot when I'm with my sister and with my friends I just curse in Malay so yep, pretty much a lot.

98) What do you wear to bed?

Track pants and overly-sized T-shirts.

99) Do you have to wear glasses?
I do.

100) Whats your favourite fruit?

Nenas. Just the other day I told my mom to belikan nenas and I ate them all by myself. Satu mangkuk, 10 minit.

14 April 2014


Assalamualaikum ~

Something feels different. Too different. I don't know. Maybe I've expected too much from the last week of the end of the second semester. I expected us to go on another trip together, release our stress together, have good fun and forget all the stupid shit that had happened between us. I expected a birthday to run perfectly but no, it was just another normal night for us. Heck, it wasn't normal at all. Scratch that. It didn't go like it usually does when we are all at one table. There were no horrifically funny laughter from anyone. Nobody went their crazy usual self. It was hambar.

Hambar as fuck.

Excuse my French. I don't know. Maybe I should lower my expectations and just remind myself that everybody else will do just fine without each other, every single day. Because they have people to talk to and they feel just fine being at home.

There was a dinner though. But I was never a people person and I think I never will be. It happens to me all the time. I can't spend a day or night with too many people surrounding me. It bothers me because I just end up getting so exhausted at the very end and all I think about is to just climb on my bed and get a good night sleep.

It went fine though, it wasn't trouble at all and I had the last chance to train those boys again for the Black & White dance which I love doing so much. I know I may look pushy and bossy but if I don't guide them in this dance, who would do it? I have such affection for them and I just can't give up on them. I just love seeing them having fun together.

We lost a member but gained two more. We're kinda bonding well with the others. But when it comes to trying to force the whole batch to become united like the lecturers picture us to be, sometimes I think they are asking too much. You can't force affection, you can't force people to break out their group to form a bigger one when the smaller group itself isn't really working out.

It takes time and it takes much much more effort. It's not easy.

And most of all, I expected everyone to be like the old days, like last semester when we went apart and every night, we text each other and everyone would respond, sending each other funny or scary photos, telling about unsolved boyfriends and scandal problems, about home-made-Subway-like-burrito-and-or-bread, moist chocolate cupcakes, about going into the kitchen in the middle of the night to make orange juice, having troll face battles and just spending the night apart together through our phones.

I miss everything. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. I should stop being so attached and sentimental I guess.

Three more semesters and we're gonna graduate and really live apart.

I love you guys.

04 April 2014


*cough cough* Assalamualaikum ~ *cough cough*

It's been almost a month since I last updated. The urge to write memang ada tapi persoalannya topik yang sesuai takde. Then sekarang dah jadi bertimpa-timpa so terpaksa cover sebelum datang kisah birthday lagi satu tambah pulak dengan dinner batch Part 2 next week.

I shall start by saying that my three-paper-exams dah start. Tapi gap kitorang panjang-panjang walaupun hanya tiga paper. Biasalah budak AD.

Had our exam the other day dekat Dewan Taming Sari memandangkan code subject diambil oleh majoriti Part 2 satu UiTM. Pishang nak menjawab, study pun ntah ke mana dengan busy gila pasal final project Illustration bagai. Lepas exam terus keluar lepas tu takde sekor pun cakap pasal paper CTU tu, instead sume balik siapkan storybook la, pergi printing la.

Duit jalan macam air. Dekat bulan ni je aku rasa dah RM150 mama bagi aku, semata-mata sebab final project.

Nak dijadikan cerita, kitorang macam stuck sangat dekat Lendu ni. Nak balik tak berbaloi-baloi sebab nanti nak kena datang balik. So berlakulah unplanned incident such as late night badminton sesh.

Mula-mula tu Mira yang ajak the girls main badminton waktu petang. Kebetulan Rayyan dengan Qayyim datang nak hantar kerja storybook dekat aku then diorang pun join sekali.

Malam esoknya tak puas hati main ajaklah semua datang. Walaupun maghrib tu hujan tapi diorang datang jugak walaupun lewat. Main sampai berpeluh bagai lepas tu duduk lepak sampai midnight membebel pasal hape tah.

Serabut. Gila serabut. Dekat dua bulan aku mengadap kerja ni. Dekat dua bulan aku non-stop pergi studio waktu malam. Dekat dua bulan aku mengadap muka Qayyim tiap-tiap hari dan malam. Marker render sampai kering, watercolor paper sampai tak cukup-cukup. In the end, this all paid off, at least it did to me.

Printing final and mock up dah cecah RM100. Tu pun cover pakai duit Qayyim. Belajar grafik ni ada padah hebatnya. Tapi pengalaman yang kitorang dapat rasanya nak tukar ganti dengan wang ringgit tak termampu nak bayarnya. 

Bersyukur dapat partner yang satu kepala walaupun dia suka ngelat. Geram sebenarnya ngan Qayyim sebab I'd have to admit aku banyak buat kerja jugak dari dia. Haha. But aku dah cakap pun awal-awal yang aku suka conquer kerja so dia pun setuju je. Tapi untung dapat partner kuat melawak macam dia. Kalau aku rasa nak marah pun terus tak jadi sebab ada je benda kelakar yang akan dia buat hari-hari.

Aku takde masalah kalau next time aku kena partner up dengan dia lagi. I'd be glad lagipun. He doesn't create much trouble. 

Everyone is so committed to this project. Seronok sangat lepak studio tiap-tiap hari dan malam lepas tu in the end tengok hasil kerja masing-masing yang hebat belaka. Walaupun penat tak terkata dan cost untuk semua kerja ni mampu buat air mata meleleh, tapi aku puas hati. Sangat puas hati.

Lagi-lagi kalau jenis-jenis project macam ni menyebabkan kitorang jadi rapat dengan lecturer. Sebab jumpa all the time. Madam Nik baik gila. Serious, she's so cool. Siap ajak kitorang makan sekali bagai. Let's not forget a big thanks to Xtreme Line printing shop dekat Intekma. Awesome. Gila awesome. Diorang provide a good space to edit our works, tempat rehat and printing yang sangat-sangat berkualiti. Thanks to Abang Fendi and his wife yang sanggup bukak kedai sampai satu dua pagi melayankan kerenah budak AD dari semua part. 

Two months of hard work and this happened. We put this under Qeedy (Qayyim+Needy) Productions due to the fact that it's a children's storybook and it sound like 'kiddy'. Illustration mostly done by me, coloring by the both of us, digital editing by Qayyim and assembled by me with a little help from him.

This was a success I can't deny. I love this book too much. But I love the original illustration more, I can't deny. Unfortunately and fortunately, I can't keep my artwork due to the fact that my lecturer will be putting it up in an Innnovation Competition yang kitorang sendiri tak berapa nak tau pasal benda ni tapi kitorang just biarkan lecturer yang handle. Lagipun dah nak habis sem.

The assessment wasn't that bad, assessed by Sir Radin tapi kitorang sendiri quite lost with words which mainly jarang berlaku to me. Entahlah, maybe sebab group work, so masing-masing tak berapa nak go into deep pasal artwork sendiri. But it was good. Biasalah, dah dua-dua ekor jenis penyegan tang formal speeches. But Alhamdulillah, we went pass this.

Well, this is by far the most successful pop-up dalam storybook kitorang yang buat Madam Nik terpikat dengan buku ni. Tak habis-habis dia suruh post gambar, nak suruh tunjuk kat orang hahahaha. Pop-ups were mainly thought of by me tapi direalisasikan by Qayyim because he has the brain to understand the mechanisms. 

What I love the most about this stroybook that I made is that the little girl in the middle is actually me. Or better yet, my alter ego. I always see myself as a little toddler mainly because aku anak bongsu and to be able to give her life just makes me really happy.

Trying hard to be united. These are the faces of our whole graphic students for my batch with our beloved lectures.

So, that's it. The very last assessment of the second and meaningful semester. Although the picture above is of the tagging used during Photographic assessment, we used this same tagging design for every assessment of this semester. So, it's kinda really special to collect these and see the last of it.

A complete set of the Eminerds. Oh, by the way, we've created a YouTube account under the name Eminent Art to promote our businesses (well, this part hasn't started yet) but I've put up a few videos that we made in the past, documenting our unusual daily life. Do watch it if you'd like. You'd understand better why my blog posts are mostly about them and why I'm loving my life at this moment.

18 March 2014


Assalamualaikum ~

Nothing is better than celebrating a best friend's birthday.

Maka terciptalah lagi satu malam yang penuh kenangan buat Eminerds.

Dari hari Jumaat lagi kitorang dah plan nak kenakan Adi sebab birthday dia jatuh tarikh esoknya. Awal-awal tu kitorang cakap ngan dia nak gerak McD Cheng sebab nak celebrate Eminerds sebab dah nak habis sem.

Esok pagi tu aku bangun nak confirmkan birthday Adi, so aku check FB. Tak memasal dia menyanggup tukar tarikh birthday dia. Pandai.

Petang tu aku ngan Mira jemput Qayyim dengan Mu'izz dekat Kasturi untuk jejak rumah aku amek Myvi. Lepas isi minyak bagai terpaksa gak patah balik ke rumah pasal tertinggal kek yang kaklong bake.

Ha, biasalah. Takkan ada orang lain yang jadi driver selain dia. Lepas tu driver sorang lagi refuse orang amek gambar dia.

Maka geraklah kitorang semua ke McDonald's Cheng. Adi dengan Qilly kitorang kutip dekat fakulti pasal diorang dating dua ekor buat kerja Illustration sampai petang lepas tu kitorang tarik Adi naik keta Gen 2 dengan kitorang budak perempuan. 

Gila jugaklah tengah-tengah on the way tu dia keluarkan kepala dari tingkap lepas tu jerit-jerit kat Myvi belakang. Memacam hal.

At first tu kat McD kitorang makan cam biasa je. Macam biasalah dah kuar fisheye maka terhasillah group selfie yang sangatlah unnecessary banyaknya.

On the other hand, disebabkan dah banyak sangat sampah packaging, Qayyim dengan Haziq boleh pulak buat fort defence dengan superhero lahh bagai.

Can't deny their creativity tho.

Lepas tu kitorang turun bawah gi amek kek dekat keta. Masa nak naik tu Rayyan record pastu sedap gila aku boleh tersungkur dekat tangga time bawak kek. Siot. Nasib kek selamat. 

Yang takleh blahnye, yang paling aku tak faham pasal diorang ni, kalau tang havoc depan orang bukan main dasyat lagi perangai tapi kalau nak nyanyi lagu birthday depan orang cam haramm.

"Haaappy biiirthd...."
"Shhhh!!! Shhhh!!!"

Poyo. Sume poyo.

Aku rasa bersyukur sangat dapat celebrate birthday Adi. I seriously hope he feels like he's appreciated. Tak pernah aku jumpa orang macam Adi. He's extremely unique cuma dia jenis humble. Aku sangat bersyukur dapat class rep yang sesempoi tapi komited macam Adi. Happy belated 19th Birthday Adi. Semoga berjaya untuk exhibition di Rantai Art Fest nanti. I'll be there, insha-Allah untuk sokong kau.

So, nak dijadikan cerita, kitorang chow keluar dari McD lepas tu kumpul dekat parking lot depan Tesco. Bincang punya bincang, Qila dengan nak pergi karaoke nye tapi budak-budak laki sume tak larat so kitorang pun masuk lam keta terus gerak ke Pengkalan Balak. Ntah, tetibe rasa cam nak jejalan kat pantai pulak malam tu.

Yang seronoknya, Adi nak masuk dekat parking satu chalet ni, dan-dan je masuk slope. Kesian Gen 2. Dekat setengah jam cari jalan keluar and alhamdulillah ada la dua orang abang ni tolong. Lagipun kitorang kan memang majoriti lelaki so sure sangat benda ni akan okay. Masa kereta tersekat ni lahh yang boleh tengok sapa jantan, sapa yang bertanggungjawab dan sapa yang kelam kabut. But we respect the boys nonetheless.

Aku hanya sempat snap gambar Mira je time tu. Masa Adi turun ke tepi pantai, Ayim dengan Haziq dah dapat tangkap dia dah, sipi lagi nak kena campak dalam air. Tapi sebab fikirkan nanti basah masuk kereta tu pasal tak jadi. Baik betul diorang, kalau aku dah campak dah, pastu suruh jemur diri sendiri sampai kering kalau tak, tak balik Lendu.

Dah puas hati lepak kitorang naik kereta balik Lendu. Tapi before balik bilik memasing naik Jebat pulak. Relapse balik segala benda yang jadi pastu perli-perli tanya bila nak buat development bagai. Hampas. Mentang-mentang dah habis assessment.

But it was such a beautiful and memorable night. Only one more birthday to celebrate before the semester ends. 

Just in case you don't follow my blog, or maybe if you do, I'd like to introduce (again) these people that light up my life and give me a reason to wake up in the morning just to experience another day with them.

The ever-so-cool Qila and the nerdy-yet-handsome-and-witty Haziq.

The amazing photographer, Mu'izz and the ever awesome Qayyim.

The most talented Adi with the caring Firdaus.

The very-funny-yet-adorable, Rayyan with the ever beautiful Mira.

And let's not forget the most sweet and helpful, Nana.

One more trip together, two more assessments and one more birthday to go until we turn Part 3's.