14 December 2015

2015 recap.

I have done a 2014 recap before. To remember back the memories I had and most importantly to remind myself of the lessons I've learned throughout a whole year, a whole age. So, I'm doing the same thing right now.

2015 had been the most tiring year that I've lived so far. It's full of people, full of dramas, love, hate, friendship, temporary love, the good and the bad. All of it which I am grateful for. But the ending mark of the year won't end anything that went bad, went broken because some things can be fixed and the ones that can't will just stay as a lesson, a memory, a life lived and a mistake made.

Your first love can be bullshit but it did take five years to finally get over it for real.
If you read or watch Nicholas Sparks's movie, you'd understand how much he believes and makes us believe in our first love. Yes, it's the most beautiful thing, that's when you finally know what it means to grow up, to learn to start sharing everything about yourself with one person, starting to fall for the first time, getting your heart broken for the first time. When it ends, you hope to God that it will go back to the way it used to be, you hope to God your life ends in a beautiful fairy tale ending and true love's kiss and the man you first fell for will still be the one to sweep you off your feet but hell, now it feels nothing like that. Your first love can come back, cheat on his fiance, pretending to be your friend, pretending to be that one guy that you can count on, making you believe that the love was still alive while you try to pretend that you don't realise that it was cold and dead a long time ago. He can also text you back months later when you have completely forgot about him and finally get over him pretending to ask for nasal spray and ask you to dinner. But most importantly, you need to learn to plant it in your head that your first love is just another cliche jerky guy that loves to take advantage on you and still cheat on his fiance that he soo badly wants to marry and he wants nothing to do with you because he just needs you to fill up his time alone without his fiance who's currently studying a hundred miles away.

The people you don't expect are the ones who appreciate you most.
I never saw myself being significant to people. I have more of a Touch 'N Go vibe that surrounds me. I help people, with no intention of sucking up to people or trying to get attention. I do it because I believe I was born under the sign that would give all to people even if they don't receive any. That doesn't make me a better person than anyone else but it certainly makes me happy making other people around me happy. And sometimes I do get a little pissy when I've done so much for people and yet they still treat me like shit. But sometimes they have other things going on to. Maybe some people are just pure evil but some of those actually care, they just don't know how to show it. This year, my treasured item was a red letter; left on my desk that I left for a long time, not wanting to step into a place where I don't feel like I belong. For such a long time, I finally have someone that tells me that I am more than what I think of myself. I was never sisterly with her, yet she's one of my best peers of all time. A down to earth cool girl who has such great taste in music and a body I'd die for. Her words lifted me and I keep them dearly with me. Because she was the one who calmed me down when I lose control, and keeps me grounded and sane even if it was just for a little while. Not to forget how enjoyable and successful it was working aside her as graphic designers.

The people you had the best times with may not be with you as long as you think they would.
They are the ones you showed your darker side more often, the ones you tell your secret to. The ones who know the other side of you like no one else does. They know how far you've gone, they help you reach farther, and make you realise that sometimes you have no limits with yourself. They might be the one everyone frowns upon but secretly they have so much more in them and they give you spiritual advices more than other people. They might be the one who takes you out so much that you meet new people and experience new things. They are the ride or die type of people. But they are also the people who have they're life on the line, who depended on drugs and painkillers and had laid in the hospital countless times, more that you ever would in your entire life. Secrets can keep you close and build your friendship, but they are also what tears you apart the most. But no matter how much you try to hide it, you still catch yourself smiling sometimes because you know you've been on cloud nine before and these were the people who took you there and had the craziest midnight adventures with you. These were the good girls gone bad and the bad boy that brought out the rebel in you.

You can reach your absolute limit sometimes.
I'm becoming more selfish nowadays. I yell at people who don't understand the pressure they put me through. I'm hiding in a dollhouse but nobody's family is perfect. But this is mine and sometimes I catch my 20 year old mind reaching it's limit that I learn to manipulate these people. I learn to control them and I learned how disrespectful I can be towards them. It is not a good thing, I am not proud of it but this does not end here. To be honest, the many hours I spend at work at the last quarter of the year soothes me. It might be boring and dull and sometimes I get too sleepy to work but at least I have somewhere else to run to for a while, and I make money out of it too. But I'm tired of living like this. Although it won't conclude and be solved in the closest of times, I still mention this here because I realise how much I've changed and how even my family affected me this year. They are still family and they are with me more than anyone else had been.

Siblings don't necessarily have the same blood as you do.
More like twins, six pairs of twins. Twelve different minds and twelve different personalities. I have lost count of the many times I have told other people stories about my diploma siblings because they are probably one of the best things that I have in my life. Our diploma may have ended but I really hope the friendship would be the ones where our children would meet one day and we'd tell them about the amazing moments we had during our diploma lives and hope they'd experience the same thing too.

Childhood friends can turn into childhood nightmares.
I'm still waiting on how this one would end up. I'm still waiting to see if our friendship ends here. I'm still waiting to know what you think of me and how far have you thought of me. You came drastically and left the same way. You kept me on the line and you made me believe that Love, Rosie can happen in real life. I won't lie that you hurt me bad. I wake up hating, cursing, crying, almost everyday. I have an ache in my heart. Almost like I felt when I first fell out of love. Because truthfully, I had really fallen in love with you. But the story of Love, Rosie also didn't conclude until Rosie and Alex were old, and each of them had been wedded too. Us? We're so young and we have a whole lifetime ahead of us. So, I'm still waiting for Alex Stewart to realise what a stupid asshole he had been, and to check and see if Rosie Dunne would forgive him for what he did to her.

I'll end this post with my version of Electra Heart.