18 December 2014

Drifting away.

I wish I could understand what's wrong with me. I wish I could figure out my life by now. I wish I was still happy. I wish I had shut my huge mouth four months ago. I wish I wasn't as stupid as I was four months ago.

I wish I knew what God has planned for me. I have to admit that I'm drifting away from everything and everyone. I am missing everything. I am not consistent anymore. I am lost.

I wish I wasn't this empty.

God must have some sort of plan for me, that I myself do not know where it leads. I thought I was happy. Maybe because I was too happy, He decided I need to come kneel back and know where I stand in this world. The world is temporary and everyone knows it. Everyone just pretends that we could all live forever.

I wish I had known the reason behind all this commotion coming back to me. Above all, I wish the one coming back to me was actually meant for me. I am so sick of being clueless of what to do. I am so sick of dreaming of things that I don't want to. I am so sick of getting hurt day by day. I am so sick to have to pretend that I am fine, like I don't feel like sitting in the shower all day just wondering where my life is going. I am so sick of having to figure things out myself. I am so sick with the fact that I don't know how to win the fight.

All I know is that not only they are holding the sword against my neck to cut me off forever, they decided to chop of every gory bits of me, bit by bit. Make me suffer this few seconds of life I have. Skin me deeper and deeper, pulling every nail I have, plucking off my hair and smiling to the fact that I am crying and I am in pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to get my head chopped off. I want to win. I want to own my life back. I want to own my love back.

I'm not done yet but I just don't have the strategy to get back up and fight back.