14 December 2015

2015 recap.

I have done a 2014 recap before. To remember back the memories I had and most importantly to remind myself of the lessons I've learned throughout a whole year, a whole age. So, I'm doing the same thing right now.

2015 had been the most tiring year that I've lived so far. It's full of people, full of dramas, love, hate, friendship, temporary love, the good and the bad. All of it which I am grateful for. But the ending mark of the year won't end anything that went bad, went broken because some things can be fixed and the ones that can't will just stay as a lesson, a memory, a life lived and a mistake made.

Your first love can be bullshit but it did take five years to finally get over it for real.
If you read or watch Nicholas Sparks's movie, you'd understand how much he believes and makes us believe in our first love. Yes, it's the most beautiful thing, that's when you finally know what it means to grow up, to learn to start sharing everything about yourself with one person, starting to fall for the first time, getting your heart broken for the first time. When it ends, you hope to God that it will go back to the way it used to be, you hope to God your life ends in a beautiful fairy tale ending and true love's kiss and the man you first fell for will still be the one to sweep you off your feet but hell, now it feels nothing like that. Your first love can come back, cheat on his fiance, pretending to be your friend, pretending to be that one guy that you can count on, making you believe that the love was still alive while you try to pretend that you don't realise that it was cold and dead a long time ago. He can also text you back months later when you have completely forgot about him and finally get over him pretending to ask for nasal spray and ask you to dinner. But most importantly, you need to learn to plant it in your head that your first love is just another cliche jerky guy that loves to take advantage on you and still cheat on his fiance that he soo badly wants to marry and he wants nothing to do with you because he just needs you to fill up his time alone without his fiance who's currently studying a hundred miles away.

The people you don't expect are the ones who appreciate you most.
I never saw myself being significant to people. I have more of a Touch 'N Go vibe that surrounds me. I help people, with no intention of sucking up to people or trying to get attention. I do it because I believe I was born under the sign that would give all to people even if they don't receive any. That doesn't make me a better person than anyone else but it certainly makes me happy making other people around me happy. And sometimes I do get a little pissy when I've done so much for people and yet they still treat me like shit. But sometimes they have other things going on to. Maybe some people are just pure evil but some of those actually care, they just don't know how to show it. This year, my treasured item was a red letter; left on my desk that I left for a long time, not wanting to step into a place where I don't feel like I belong. For such a long time, I finally have someone that tells me that I am more than what I think of myself. I was never sisterly with her, yet she's one of my best peers of all time. A down to earth cool girl who has such great taste in music and a body I'd die for. Her words lifted me and I keep them dearly with me. Because she was the one who calmed me down when I lose control, and keeps me grounded and sane even if it was just for a little while. Not to forget how enjoyable and successful it was working aside her as graphic designers.

The people you had the best times with may not be with you as long as you think they would.
They are the ones you showed your darker side more often, the ones you tell your secret to. The ones who know the other side of you like no one else does. They know how far you've gone, they help you reach farther, and make you realise that sometimes you have no limits with yourself. They might be the one everyone frowns upon but secretly they have so much more in them and they give you spiritual advices more than other people. They might be the one who takes you out so much that you meet new people and experience new things. They are the ride or die type of people. But they are also the people who have they're life on the line, who depended on drugs and painkillers and had laid in the hospital countless times, more that you ever would in your entire life. Secrets can keep you close and build your friendship, but they are also what tears you apart the most. But no matter how much you try to hide it, you still catch yourself smiling sometimes because you know you've been on cloud nine before and these were the people who took you there and had the craziest midnight adventures with you. These were the good girls gone bad and the bad boy that brought out the rebel in you.

You can reach your absolute limit sometimes.
I'm becoming more selfish nowadays. I yell at people who don't understand the pressure they put me through. I'm hiding in a dollhouse but nobody's family is perfect. But this is mine and sometimes I catch my 20 year old mind reaching it's limit that I learn to manipulate these people. I learn to control them and I learned how disrespectful I can be towards them. It is not a good thing, I am not proud of it but this does not end here. To be honest, the many hours I spend at work at the last quarter of the year soothes me. It might be boring and dull and sometimes I get too sleepy to work but at least I have somewhere else to run to for a while, and I make money out of it too. But I'm tired of living like this. Although it won't conclude and be solved in the closest of times, I still mention this here because I realise how much I've changed and how even my family affected me this year. They are still family and they are with me more than anyone else had been.

Siblings don't necessarily have the same blood as you do.
More like twins, six pairs of twins. Twelve different minds and twelve different personalities. I have lost count of the many times I have told other people stories about my diploma siblings because they are probably one of the best things that I have in my life. Our diploma may have ended but I really hope the friendship would be the ones where our children would meet one day and we'd tell them about the amazing moments we had during our diploma lives and hope they'd experience the same thing too.

Childhood friends can turn into childhood nightmares.
I'm still waiting on how this one would end up. I'm still waiting to see if our friendship ends here. I'm still waiting to know what you think of me and how far have you thought of me. You came drastically and left the same way. You kept me on the line and you made me believe that Love, Rosie can happen in real life. I won't lie that you hurt me bad. I wake up hating, cursing, crying, almost everyday. I have an ache in my heart. Almost like I felt when I first fell out of love. Because truthfully, I had really fallen in love with you. But the story of Love, Rosie also didn't conclude until Rosie and Alex were old, and each of them had been wedded too. Us? We're so young and we have a whole lifetime ahead of us. So, I'm still waiting for Alex Stewart to realise what a stupid asshole he had been, and to check and see if Rosie Dunne would forgive him for what he did to her.

I'll end this post with my version of Electra Heart.

08 December 2015

Cotton Candy.

I made a new art piece, which was pretty much delayed since forever. I had trouble completing the eyes, mostly because I couldn't find a more suitable expression to describe Cotton Candy. Yes, her name is Cotton Candy. Her hair is somewhat silver and pink, she blushes a lot and she doesn't speak much.

I made Cotton Candy expressionless so that people can imagine themselves about how she feels. She can be neutral, she can be just fine, she could be happy inside, or she could be broken. Cotton Candy has a lot of emotions but she is as fragile as her name is. People can break her or eat her up easily because Cotton Candy is used to giving her all to other people. She trusts easily, falls easily but she chooses who she falls into very wisely. But once she does and when people break her heart she melts like cotton candy. They swallow her full and becomes satisfied when she's gone. What they don't know is Cotton Candy is the sweetest one around. And sweet things kill slowly from the inside. It takes time, sure but it's possible if you mess around with Cotton Candy too much.


03 December 2015

Rosie Dunne did not end up with Alex Stewart.

Assalamualaikum ~

I know the title of this post is long.

I've posted something about Love, Rosie a few months back and it was about me and how a boy had claimed that I was the Rosie to his Alex. We'd been friends literally since we were babies. He was five days younger than me and I lived so close to him. We used to go to the same school, to the same tempat mengaji, bullied each other and I dumped his slipper in the gigantic drain we used to play at when we were about five years old. I practically grew up with him and he definitely was the boy next door.

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I knew him as long as I can remember and I still blush at the sight of him and my heart pounds to hear his name. That's the truth. Even when I was in a relationship with someone else, he was there, just there, you know, when my relationship went horrible he just stood there watching. And my ex kept shoving this boy's name in my head saying how much he liked me since primary school. I knew he liked me. I knew he liked me for a very long time and for the longest time, I had a spot for him saved in my heart. Deep down, very deep down.

I wasn't the type to go out much with friends of hang around boys, I barely leave my room let alone my house. So four to five years back, we got separated because we went to different schools. I don't text people first, I suck at keeping in touch but I remember how he always texts first; asking me if I was doing good, how's school, how's life, have you broken up with the one who broke your heart. Occasionally, when we're on break, he'd ask me out for movies and food, and we once clashed wearing the same colour shirt, and upon seeing him wearing grey too, I blushed, hard.

I remember changing from Maxis to Digi because Digi has Buddiez Plan where back in the days, you could have three friends to text and call without charges and he was actually the ONLY friend on my Buddiez account. I remember talking to him on the phone once from night til morn, and we end up betting whoever wakes up first on the dot at 5.00 a.m to be treated lunch someday. I woke up first, but my signal was bad so his call came through first. I claimed the first one to wake up and he gave in, it was his treat. KFC, not a big deal since we were high school students and the KFC was like a kilometre from home. But we got busted by a teacher and she thought we were dating.

Years passed and I could never get over that five years of heartbreak I went through, the nights crying under the covers, the days wandering inside my head of what could have been's and what if's. The rip of the heart when those people keep coming back to me and not letting me be happy alone. Five years of heartbreak. Until my 20th birthday this year.

I remember him asking if I was still beat up over the heartbreak and I admitted to it as much as I hate it. I remember his exact words; "hey, let me save you."

It lasted four days. Four. He decided it was not what he wanted. I was angry, but to the point where I laugh hysterically because really dude? What the hell were you looking for?

I left it behind. Went through several crushes, messed up with one, and on the 30th of August, when I tweeted about a minor heartbreak about an ex-best friend, I got a reply/mention saying "still  you", with a purple heart. I thought he mistakenly mentioned me so I tweeted (without mentioning) to ask him to mention me again if it wasn't a mistake. He did. I gave in.

I have such a soft spot for him.

We met, had a few dates, and two weeks later he flew to the other side of the country again.

It was nice, promising, I was happy, I was waiting, I was hopeful. We're in our 20's and both Aquarians, future is a big thing for us, and the future is what we always aim for, so to me, marriage was something big and serious to talk about. It wasn't me to be the first one to say the word "sayang". It wasn't me who first said "...nanti bila dah kawin..." and all that jazz. Not that I don't want to, I know better than to overwhelm a boy with marriage discussion and cute names so soon. But he did and I went along with it.

I wouldn't call myself an annoying girlfiend. Maybe an aloof one. I never text first or call first. We rarely text and he'd be calling at night, after games, during games, after assignment or I'd help with the assignment. We'd be on call every night. We'd listen to each other sleeping. He liked my voice and I loved his. He sings all the time, horribly, but I let him, because I sing too. And when I started Skyping with friends, he made a Skype account and Skyped me. He's the one who ask, not me. I never ask. I always assume that he's busier than me. I told him months before "I never text first, I don't like to annoy people, so if you miss me, or want to talk to me, just text me, I'll always make time for you." Even if I wanted to call, I'd ask for permission. I wasn't aloof, I was understanding.

I thought I was safe enough to hit three months and I had hope that things were meant to last but two and a half months later I waited for more than a week to end up with a text saying "I need space." I always gave him space, I never nagged or admit that I needed him. A few days after, "I'm thinking whether or not the relationship is good for me."

"I get bored easily."

"I don't know how to keep relationships."

"You were my rebound."

"I wanted to get over someone I really love,"

It hurts. More than he knows. And every night he comes in my dreams, crushing me again and again. I warned him of how easily attached I can be, how I trust so fast and fall so vast. It doesn't matter, I don't matter.

Little does he know he was my rebound too. But I didn't treat him like one. I convinced myself that he isn't one and I really fell for him. It wasn't fair what he did to me. And not to mention it was the second time around too, you know, getting dumped by him.

So, he's not exactly the sweet, forever-in-love with Rosie the Alex Stewart I thought he was. I still can't believe in all of the people in the world that he could have messed things up with, he chose the girl who he kinda grew up with.

The sad part is, I still hope he'd changed. Because I'm a dreamer, a hopeless romantic. And I still dream that one day Alex Stewart would come back apologizing to Rosie Dunne for breaking her heart.