I've changed. Half for the better and half back at square one. I don't write well anymore. And I have so many things to say but they get stuck in my throat.
Dah jauh. Semua dah jauh. Aku tak rasa rapat anymore. Not with anyone. Yes, I still have my college friends tapi since everything turned back the way it was, I realised that my happiness is really, really actually with one person only. Everything else just seems to fade away. I was happy during the second semester, perhaps because I had an eye on someone, but then when my life changed again, I realised I can only be truly happy when I am with someone that helped me find my true self. That someone that made me braver, stronger, healthier, sadder and happier at the same time.
"Would you have a crush (on your previous crush) again when all things go bad and you get your heart broken again?" - a friend, 2014
I didn't know how to answer that before but now I do. No.
Not even a little bit. Love and like are two totally different things. And getting my heart broken by the one is such a privilege. I'm back to square one but I'm bitter in a different way now. I know things will be better because I have a feeling that my path will cross the other person's again.
Things are so not the same anymore, even when I'm with the other eleven people, there is not one moment that I wish I was with someone else. There is not a day that I don't space out and just think about the "what ifs" and "could have beens". I don't respond to people anymore. I don't like talking to others when I know I can't talk to the one person I need to talk to. When people try to communicate with me, I just space out, keep quiet, stare at those people until they get pissed off and then I walk away. It's either that or I just answer everything in a short and bitter manner.
I crave for adventures with that person. I crave to be there for him, with him. I want to take him to Subway and Wong Solo like I promised. I want to take him to Jumpstreet PJ and spend a whole day with him having fun. I want to workout with him. Find restaurants for him to satisfy his meat cravings and go to JB with him to order his custom-made jeans. I want more of him.
I'm sad. Yes, because I lost it again and this time, it's my fault.