14 April 2014


Assalamualaikum ~

Something feels different. Too different. I don't know. Maybe I've expected too much from the last week of the end of the second semester. I expected us to go on another trip together, release our stress together, have good fun and forget all the stupid shit that had happened between us. I expected a birthday to run perfectly but no, it was just another normal night for us. Heck, it wasn't normal at all. Scratch that. It didn't go like it usually does when we are all at one table. There were no horrifically funny laughter from anyone. Nobody went their crazy usual self. It was hambar.

Hambar as fuck.

Excuse my French. I don't know. Maybe I should lower my expectations and just remind myself that everybody else will do just fine without each other, every single day. Because they have people to talk to and they feel just fine being at home.

There was a dinner though. But I was never a people person and I think I never will be. It happens to me all the time. I can't spend a day or night with too many people surrounding me. It bothers me because I just end up getting so exhausted at the very end and all I think about is to just climb on my bed and get a good night sleep.

It went fine though, it wasn't trouble at all and I had the last chance to train those boys again for the Black & White dance which I love doing so much. I know I may look pushy and bossy but if I don't guide them in this dance, who would do it? I have such affection for them and I just can't give up on them. I just love seeing them having fun together.

We lost a member but gained two more. We're kinda bonding well with the others. But when it comes to trying to force the whole batch to become united like the lecturers picture us to be, sometimes I think they are asking too much. You can't force affection, you can't force people to break out their group to form a bigger one when the smaller group itself isn't really working out.

It takes time and it takes much much more effort. It's not easy.

And most of all, I expected everyone to be like the old days, like last semester when we went apart and every night, we text each other and everyone would respond, sending each other funny or scary photos, telling about unsolved boyfriends and scandal problems, about home-made-Subway-like-burrito-and-or-bread, moist chocolate cupcakes, about going into the kitchen in the middle of the night to make orange juice, having troll face battles and just spending the night apart together through our phones.

I miss everything. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. I should stop being so attached and sentimental I guess.

Three more semesters and we're gonna graduate and really live apart.

I love you guys.