I've changed. Half for the better and half back at square one. I don't write well anymore. And I have so many things to say but they get stuck in my throat.
Dah jauh. Semua dah jauh. Aku tak rasa rapat anymore. Not with anyone. Yes, I still have my college friends tapi since everything turned back the way it was, I realised that my happiness is really, really actually with one person only. Everything else just seems to fade away. I was happy during the second semester, perhaps because I had an eye on someone, but then when my life changed again, I realised I can only be truly happy when I am with someone that helped me find my true self. That someone that made me braver, stronger, healthier, sadder and happier at the same time.
"Would you have a crush (on your previous crush) again when all things go bad and you get your heart broken again?" - a friend, 2014
I didn't know how to answer that before but now I do. No.
Not even a little bit. Love and like are two totally different things. And getting my heart broken by the one is such a privilege. I'm back to square one but I'm bitter in a different way now. I know things will be better because I have a feeling that my path will cross the other person's again.
Things are so not the same anymore, even when I'm with the other eleven people, there is not one moment that I wish I was with someone else. There is not a day that I don't space out and just think about the "what ifs" and "could have beens". I don't respond to people anymore. I don't like talking to others when I know I can't talk to the one person I need to talk to. When people try to communicate with me, I just space out, keep quiet, stare at those people until they get pissed off and then I walk away. It's either that or I just answer everything in a short and bitter manner.
I crave for adventures with that person. I crave to be there for him, with him. I want to take him to Subway and Wong Solo like I promised. I want to take him to Jumpstreet PJ and spend a whole day with him having fun. I want to workout with him. Find restaurants for him to satisfy his meat cravings and go to JB with him to order his custom-made jeans. I want more of him.
I'm sad. Yes, because I lost it again and this time, it's my fault.
11 November 2014
11 October 2014
A different solitude.
I have lost my ability to write publishable things but I'll try my best to express myself this way now that I don't really have any proper work to do.
So, solitude.
As mentioned before, it is a state where I can get to that euphoria phase. I get drunk off the moment and I drown in the memory of it. Weird enough, my new solitude is the mornings I spend at the hospital to get nebulized. I have terrible asthma and it struck me last night and I ended up waking myself at 3 a.m. My roommate insisted I called my family so I rang my mom and after waiting for about 15 minutes, she came and took me to the hospital.
Truthfully I hate the process of it. But when I finally get in the chair and got the breathing meds and dosage done on me, I love how it feels like to drift to sleepiness with the smell of medicine, the cold environment and the warmth from my sweater. I like the smell of hospitals, I don't even know why.
I know that weird doesn't even begin to cover my interests but whatever *insert crying while laughing emoji*.
Haihh.
So, solitude.
As mentioned before, it is a state where I can get to that euphoria phase. I get drunk off the moment and I drown in the memory of it. Weird enough, my new solitude is the mornings I spend at the hospital to get nebulized. I have terrible asthma and it struck me last night and I ended up waking myself at 3 a.m. My roommate insisted I called my family so I rang my mom and after waiting for about 15 minutes, she came and took me to the hospital.
Truthfully I hate the process of it. But when I finally get in the chair and got the breathing meds and dosage done on me, I love how it feels like to drift to sleepiness with the smell of medicine, the cold environment and the warmth from my sweater. I like the smell of hospitals, I don't even know why.
I know that weird doesn't even begin to cover my interests but whatever *insert crying while laughing emoji*.
Haihh.
07 September 2014
Best Friends.
They don't exist. They never do. A guy nor a girl, will ever be loyal to you.
Stop convincing yourself that they don't talk bad behind you. Stop convincing yourself that they are a saint. Stop convincing yourself that they don't mind all those things that comes out of your mouth. Stop convincing yourself that they will comfort you when you're at your worst time. They are there because they benefit from you.
I feel like I'm being used. Now that I'm back at a vulnerable state, I can see the people who are distancing from me. I can see their true colours. I can see that they want me around because apparently, I'm too helpful. That's how I feel. I see that now, that there are many who wants to know what you did bad, they pretend like they care, but honestly, they're just there out of curiosity; and the opportunity to learn about the stuff that brings you down, just so they can use it against you someday. I learn that the one you though would never think bad about you judges you from the top of your head to the very tip of your toes. I learn that nobody can love another person more than themselves unless it is of a mother's love.
No one will be there to catch you when you fall, they leave. Because it does not benefit them. Because it doesn't involve them. No one.
You only have yourself. And when you cry in that bathroom stall, you will need to pick yourself back up and pretend that everything is normal. When you are in a bad state of mind, put on a smile, because no one wants to know that you want to kill yourself inside. Nobody wants to know how much your heart is thumping, crying, wailing, wanting to end the shit you're in. Nobody wants to know anything that does not benefit them. Nobody is ever true to anyone else.
Trust yourself.
Because that's the only person left.
Nobody else.
I trust no one.
Stop convincing yourself that they don't talk bad behind you. Stop convincing yourself that they are a saint. Stop convincing yourself that they don't mind all those things that comes out of your mouth. Stop convincing yourself that they will comfort you when you're at your worst time. They are there because they benefit from you.
I feel like I'm being used. Now that I'm back at a vulnerable state, I can see the people who are distancing from me. I can see their true colours. I can see that they want me around because apparently, I'm too helpful. That's how I feel. I see that now, that there are many who wants to know what you did bad, they pretend like they care, but honestly, they're just there out of curiosity; and the opportunity to learn about the stuff that brings you down, just so they can use it against you someday. I learn that the one you though would never think bad about you judges you from the top of your head to the very tip of your toes. I learn that nobody can love another person more than themselves unless it is of a mother's love.
No one will be there to catch you when you fall, they leave. Because it does not benefit them. Because it doesn't involve them. No one.
You only have yourself. And when you cry in that bathroom stall, you will need to pick yourself back up and pretend that everything is normal. When you are in a bad state of mind, put on a smile, because no one wants to know that you want to kill yourself inside. Nobody wants to know how much your heart is thumping, crying, wailing, wanting to end the shit you're in. Nobody wants to know anything that does not benefit them. Nobody is ever true to anyone else.
Trust yourself.
Because that's the only person left.
Nobody else.
I trust no one.
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