Best Friends.

They don't exist. They never do. A guy nor a girl, will ever be loyal to you.

Stop convincing yourself that they don't talk bad behind you. Stop convincing yourself that they are a saint. Stop convincing yourself that they don't mind all those things that comes out of your mouth. Stop convincing yourself that they will comfort you when you're at your worst time. They are there because they benefit from you.

I feel like I'm being used. Now that I'm back at a vulnerable state, I can see the people who are distancing from me. I can see their true colours. I can see that they want me around because apparently, I'm too helpful. That's how I feel. I see that now, that there are many who wants to know what you did bad, they pretend like they care, but honestly, they're just there out of curiosity; and the opportunity to learn about the stuff that brings you down, just so they can use it against you someday. I learn that the one you though would never think bad about you judges you from the top of your head to the very tip of your toes. I learn that nobody can love another person more than themselves unless it is of a mother's love.

No one will be there to catch you when you fall, they leave. Because it does not benefit them. Because it doesn't involve them. No one.

You only have yourself. And when you cry in that bathroom stall, you will need to pick yourself back up and pretend that everything is normal. When you are in a bad state of mind, put on a smile, because no one wants to know that you want to kill yourself inside. Nobody wants to know how much your heart is thumping, crying, wailing, wanting to end the shit you're in. Nobody wants to know anything that does not benefit them. Nobody is ever true to anyone else.

Trust yourself.

Because that's the only person left.

Nobody else.
















I trust no one.

Unwritable.

Assalamualaikum ~

I lost it. I honestly lost it.

I LOST MY ABILITY TO WRITE.

What is going on? My life is usually projected into words I can't help but to spill but now I can't write anymore. I can't find the right words to arrange. I'm even having trouble writing in class. Every single time I try to write on my blog, I'll end up using the words "I don't know, I just really don't know anymore." I no longer write long passages. I can't write what I mean to say.

I seriously think something is blocking my thoughts and emotions from being written. I love writing so much. I want to write. What is going on??

Someone help me.

Syukur.

Assalamualaikum ~

So it's been a while since I've updated and my stalker friends are demanding to see what I'd have to say next.

I didn't sound so good in my previous post but it was only because of the many shitty assignments I have. I'm fine now. I'm happy as a matter of fact. Things have been going on quite smoothly and the subjects don't seem so bloody shocking anymore.

Still, this semester seems bloody hard as hell. The only thing that actually keeps me alive and well and able to wake up every morning is my friends. It's been three bloody weeks and still the classes are messed up. Lecturers aren't showing up and we still haven't even started learning certain subjects.

I don't know. It feels the same although we learn new things. But sometimes it just feels so damn mundane that I really need my solitude.

On the other hand, being home isn't exactly the best place in the whole world. There's just some unexplained bad vibe in that house. But whenever my parents ask me to follow them to any dinner or balik kampung and such, I kinda get delighted to tag along because basically life is boring as hell when I get stuck in Lendu.

I just came back from iftar with them and I got myself a pretty kimono cardigan even though I got really tired after pusing satu bangunan Aeon nak cari benda yang boleh buat pakai. Alhamdulillah, I mean things are going great when it's just me with my parents.

So, two birthdays have passed, three if you count Muizz's that we celebrated together on Qila's. I better give a brief update about this before I seriously have too much to say and end up making a very long post to speak to my hearts content.

I don't have a proper picture of Qila and Muizz's birthday cake even though I recorded a few videos. As per usual we had dinner at Bentara and went down to the parking lot to surprise them and then kitorang lepak dekat situ sampai puas membebel.

I didn't post on Instagram about that birthday like I normally do with the others tapi takpelah, I just hope they know how much I love and appreciate them.

Rayyan's birthday however went fairly well on the 22nd of June. Petang tu Nana beli tepung dengan Qila and Ayim yang tepungkan Ray dengan tambahan air mineral sejuk si Edry. Lepas tu yang bestnya Adi duduk atas kereta Ayim pastu Ayim drive macam orang gila keliling parking lot.

Hah. Brief sangat ceritanya, macam tak cukup ayat tapi tengah semak kepala dengan assigment lagi so till the next post.