Inflicted.

“Babe, kenapa delete conversation dekat Twitter?”

I don’t know how to explain my actions. I never let a conversation stay in my timeline. Ever. I delete them a day after I post them.

I hate being judged online. I hate it when people see the way I speak in real life (because it’s pretty much how I say things online). This is going to sound weird but I hate being portrayed and seen as ‘fine’. I hate it when people think that I don’t have a problem.

Most of my tweets and retweets consists of sadness and pain, about being strong, about being forgotten. And I love them that way. I barely tweet things myself. I just other people speak for me. I hate to see my own post on my own timeline. I hate it when I’m not silent.

I used to think that tweeting about everything everyday was fun and harmless until I got into a fight with a bunch of people over a bunch of tweets. I learned my lesson and it changed me. I don’t see the point of talking if people don’t want to know about it or if it hurts people. I don’t see the point if telling if it’s only going to make me hurt and uncomfortable.

I have lived in sadness for years, and when I don’t feel it, I feel nothing. I feel the need to feel sad. I feel the need to be silent. I am happy in my sorrows.

I’m sorry if anyone ever felt like I don’t care about them or how rude of me to be deleting the conversations. I mean what I say; I just don’t feel comfortable enough to let the public know about me. 

Drifting away.

I wish I could understand what's wrong with me. I wish I could figure out my life by now. I wish I was still happy. I wish I had shut my huge mouth four months ago. I wish I wasn't as stupid as I was four months ago.

I wish I knew what God has planned for me. I have to admit that I'm drifting away from everything and everyone. I am missing everything. I am not consistent anymore. I am lost.

I wish I wasn't this empty.

God must have some sort of plan for me, that I myself do not know where it leads. I thought I was happy. Maybe because I was too happy, He decided I need to come kneel back and know where I stand in this world. The world is temporary and everyone knows it. Everyone just pretends that we could all live forever.

I wish I had known the reason behind all this commotion coming back to me. Above all, I wish the one coming back to me was actually meant for me. I am so sick of being clueless of what to do. I am so sick of dreaming of things that I don't want to. I am so sick of getting hurt day by day. I am so sick to have to pretend that I am fine, like I don't feel like sitting in the shower all day just wondering where my life is going. I am so sick of having to figure things out myself. I am so sick with the fact that I don't know how to win the fight.

All I know is that not only they are holding the sword against my neck to cut me off forever, they decided to chop of every gory bits of me, bit by bit. Make me suffer this few seconds of life I have. Skin me deeper and deeper, pulling every nail I have, plucking off my hair and smiling to the fact that I am crying and I am in pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to get my head chopped off. I want to win. I want to own my life back. I want to own my love back.

I'm not done yet but I just don't have the strategy to get back up and fight back.

Heart wants it wants.

I've changed. Half for the better and half back at square one. I don't write well anymore. And I have so many things to say but they get stuck in my throat.

Dah jauh. Semua dah jauh. Aku tak rasa rapat anymore. Not with anyone. Yes, I still have my college friends tapi since everything turned back the way it was, I realised that my happiness is really, really actually with one person only. Everything else just seems to fade away. I was happy during the second semester, perhaps because I had an eye on someone, but then when my life changed again, I realised I can only be truly happy when I am with someone that helped me find my true self. That someone that made me braver, stronger, healthier, sadder and happier at the same time.

"Would you have a crush (on your previous crush) again when all things go bad and you get your heart broken again?" - a friend, 2014

I didn't know how to answer that before but now I do. No.

Not even a little bit. Love and like are two totally different things. And getting my heart broken by the one is such a privilege. I'm back to square one but I'm bitter in a different way now. I know things will be better because I have a feeling that my path will cross the other person's again.

Things are so not the same anymore, even when I'm with the other eleven people, there is not one moment that I wish I was with someone else. There is not a day that I don't space out and just think about the "what ifs" and "could have beens". I don't respond to people anymore. I don't like talking to others when I know I can't talk to the one person I need to talk to. When people try to communicate with me, I just space out, keep quiet, stare at those people until they get pissed off and then I walk away. It's either that or I just answer everything in a short and bitter manner.

I crave for adventures with that person. I crave to be there for him, with him. I want to take him to Subway and Wong Solo like I promised. I want to take him to Jumpstreet PJ and spend a whole day with him having fun. I want to workout with him. Find restaurants for him to satisfy his meat cravings and go to JB with him to order his custom-made jeans. I want more of him.

I'm sad. Yes, because I lost it again and this time, it's my fault.