Hello there.

Assalamualaikum ~

It's honestly been quite some time since I wrote. I don't know why I stopped. Maybe life got busier, or I just got lazier. God knows.

But I've been growing since the last time I wrote. I am more mature. I still make stupid mistakes. I still can't control my anger. But I'm growing. And I think it's important for me to say that.

The world does not revolve around me. There are people out there whose lives are at stake. Some of them bombed or burned or shot for believing in God, for having a certain faith. Some of them ironed to death by merciless bullying murderers. Some of them beatened and sodomized for being themselves, for being a type of person that most don't agree with. Most girls are being told what to do, what to wear, what to say, how to act, who to marry, who to love. Most women face plenty of harassments. A lot of boys get bullied for not being "manly" enough. The world is ugly. I believe it will stay that way. But it doesn't mean that we can't educate people to slowly love and understand others.

For me now, I'm almost finished with my degree. I haven't found my art style yet but I will somehow. I'm starting to believe in myself as an artist. I'm starting to believe that my art has worth and value. 

I live most of my life believing that happiness is a place in my mind. Where jumping over fences late at night or at dawn with the people I trust is a thing. Where I light up long blunts forgetting about the world. Where I lay in bed with the one I love just talking about how life evolves, discussing theories and just connecting intelectually.

Life is good somewhere. Maybe not now, maybe not today, maybe not ever to be honest, but somewhere, I believe it's good.

It's just a little crush.

I know that I have no right to talk about you. I mean, I still look away everytime you open your phone or you laptop. Seeing your wallpaper hurts me. I don't even understand this thing between us. I wonder if it's me alone who's misreading the 'signs' and you're really playing me, or the fact that this thing goes both ways.

You never let me pay for my own things now, like my food or drink, sometimes the movie tickets, the gas money, the extra little printings. You're always just pushing my hand away, making sure that you actually touch my skin against yours, to refuse the money I always try to give you. The texts you send, the things you say, the secret jokes you'rs trying to imply, saying that the only thing stopping you is the wrong timing, how we never discuss about sensitive issues, how you're just always there to lend a hand, how you respond to me, how magnetic we seem to be, the shoulder and arm nudged and snuggled against mine during movies, oh well, it'll take a whole day to list out the things that you're doing more and more for me but everytime you do, I always ask myself what you were actually doing and why you did it. Am I important to you as much as I think I am? Do you find yourself attracted to me? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Moonlight Bae

Pencil on paper.